Self-control and mastering the Low tolerance to frustration It is something that should be learned in early childhood and under the guidance of parents. A child who has not developed low frustration tolerance in the early years of their lifeHe will most likely have many tantrums that will escalate into anger and rage as he grows older. He won't respect boundaries and will feel that everyone is against him or attacking him when his desires and whims can't be met immediately. This is why it's essential that parents work at home to foster self-control in their children.
Many parents tend to think that children are more advanced than they really are because they speak and are understood so well. But The reality is that children's brains are not fully developed yet.Learning about self-control is necessary and can only be achieved through self-discovery, practice, repetition, and... respectful guideNot through punishment or anger. It is a slow process that consolidates throughout childhood.
Furthermore, Self-control is part of the emotional intelligenceIt involves recognizing what one feels, managing that emotion, and choosing the most appropriate behavior in each moment. Studies in developmental psychology have shown that children who manage to postpone gratification and regulate their impulses tend to show, years later, better social adjustment, greater academic success, and greater emotional well-beingTherefore, helping children control their emotions and actions is a direct investment in their future.
The foundation is trust
Parents who respond to children's needs do so by building confidence. When the baby is hungry and wakes up crying, the parents pick him up and feed him; when he is cold, they wrap him up; when he is scared, they comfort him. Through these experiences, the baby learns that he can trust his parents because they care for and protect him. Every time a parent soothes their baby, their brain strengthens the nerves and pathways that help calm anxiety and regulate emotions.This will help him later to learn to calm himself down. It's the foundation of self-control.
Over time, the child will learn to trust that they will be able to eat on time and that their parents will provide them with security and comfort. This will help them calm their impatience and worry about any of their needs because they know that sooner or later those needs will be met. Parents help their children reach this stage by calming their anxiety and fostering that sense of security and acceptance.A creature that feels safe inside will have less need to seek attention through extreme behaviors and will be more able to wait, listen, and cooperate.
This confidence is also reinforced by the active listeningWhen adults look a child in the eye, let them finish their sentences, and show genuine interest in what they are saying, the child learns that their emotions matter and that they can express them without fear. This active listening is the first step so that, later on, the child can listen to themselves and regulate their own behavior.
In this sense, it's important to avoid minimizing or ridiculing what they feel: phrases like "it's not that big of a deal" or "don't cry over silly things" don't help with self-control, because they convey that emotions should be hidden. Instead, messages like "I understand you're angry" or "I know it makes you very angry" validate what the child feels and allow them to move from emotional outburst to guided reflection.
A good example is needed
What truly teaches children to regulate their emotions and have good self-control is, without a doubt, the example of their parents. Children learn more from what they see than from what they are toldIf parents don't know how to manage their own emotions and react with anger, shouting, or by taking their child's defiant behavior personally, the child receives a clear message: life is full of emergency and very stressful situations, and the way to respond is to lose your temper.
This context of constant alarm seriously harms the child's emotional learning and makes it difficult for them to cultivate calm in the face of their own anxieties and insecurities. The most important thing parents can do is to become that model of calm and regulation that they want to see in their children: taking deep breaths, speaking slowly, lowering their voice, and showing that, even in difficult situations, it is possible to choose how to react.
For example, when a child has a tantrum because they don't want to leave the park, the adult may feel frustrated. If they yell or threaten, they are teaching that frustration is resolved with aggression. If, instead, they say, "I'm angry, I'm going to calm down by taking some deep breaths and then we can talk again," they are demonstrating a self-control technique. This type of modeling is one of the most powerful tools to teach emotional regulation without long lectures.
It is also very useful verbalize aloud one's own internal process"I feel like answering back, but I'm going to count to ten" or "I really want another cookie, but I'm going to wait until snack time." This way, the child sees that even adults have intense impulses and desires, but that they can manage them through specific strategies.
Self-control is possible thanks to brain development
Young children don't yet have the ability to resist many of their impulses when they want to do something, but as they grow older they will be able to. The difference lies, to a large extent, in the prefrontal cortex, a region of the brain involved in planning, decision-making and impulse control, which develops slowly from early childhood to young adulthood.
So how can the prefrontal cortex be strengthened so that young children are capable of self-control? The answer is simple: through repeated practice, play, and a good relationship with their parents.Every time a child stops before shouting, waits their turn in a game, or chooses a slower but more appropriate option, they are exercising the brain circuits related to self-regulation.
Classic studies on children's self-control, such as Walter Mischel's experiments with waiting for a treat in exchange for a larger reward, have shown that The ability to postpone gratification is related to better future adaptationChildren who learned to wait their turn as young children showed better academic performance, improved stress management, and fewer behavioral problems years later. This doesn't mean their future is predetermined, but rather that developing self-control from childhood offers a significant advantage.
In practice, when we help a child to stop, think, breathe, and choose another response, we are "training" their brain. The more often this cycle is repeated in a supportive and loving environment, The self-monitoring process will become more automated.so, little by little, it will need less external guidance to achieve it.
Practice, practice and practice
I'm sure you've heard the saying "practice makes perfect," and it's true. Every time a child is able to give up something for something they want more, they are building neural pathways in their frontal cortex that are associated with self-discipline. When a child feels forced to give something up, that's not self-discipline.It is obedience out of fear or external pressure.
Furthermore, if a child forgoes something they want but doesn't have the opportunity to practice self-control, it won't be effective either. A child who can practice self-control is one who has a goal (for example, their mother's approval, finishing a game, or achieving a future reward) that is more important than the immediate desire (a treat when it's inappropriate). The adult accompanies, but the final decision to wait must come, little by little, from the child himself..
A very useful way to encourage this practice is to teach the child a simple internal process: introspection, impulse control, and self-reinforcementIn other words, to help him/her to be able to:
- Stop for a moment and recognize what you are feeling ("I'm very angry," "I really want to run").
- Stop the initial impulse (don't hit, don't shout, don't throw the toy) and mentally search for another option.
- Reinforce yourself when you succeed, with a thought such as "I was able to wait" or "I did well".
This process, which initially requires a lot of adult guidance, transforms over time into the child's internal dialogueThat's where self-control truly becomes a personal skill and not just a response to what others tell you.
Set empathic boundaries
Every time you set a limit that a child acceptsHe's practicing self-control. It's clear children prefer to keep playing, but if he knows there are consequences if he continues not to tidy up, he'll be forced to weigh the options and make a choice. Or when he's playing in the bathroom and splashing everything, you don't need to get angry; he needs an emotional connection with you to understand that it's not right and for you to guide him on how to behave during bath time.
Punishment does not promote self-discipline or self-control Because the child won't have had the opportunity to choose to stop what they were doing: if they are forced, they won't be learning, they will only be submitting. Keep in mind that permissiveness without clear limits (the other side of the coin) also doesn't foster self-discipline or self-control in young children, because the child won't feel the need to stop. It's important to set limits with understanding, explaining the reasons behind the rules, so that children can accept them and develop good self-control.
For these limits to be truly educational, they should be clear, with few rules, well-defined, and always accompanied by coherent consequences known in advance. Children cooperate better when they know what is expected of them And what will happen if the rules are not respected? This is how we reduce the feeling of injustice and the power struggles that trigger emotional outbursts.
It is also essential Adjusting expectations to ageWe can't expect the same level of self-control from a young child as from an older one. In the early years, limits are accompanied by a lot of physical and emotional support (redirecting, holding, offering alternatives). As they grow, they can be given more responsibility and more participation in creating family rules.
It's a slow process, but if you're consistent, you can achieve good results. Your child wants to feel in control of their world, and if you allow them access to that control within the rules or limits you've established at home, they'll feel more motivated to take control of themselves and maintain behavior that doesn't involve anger, tantrums, or bad manners. But remember, Your example and the way you set boundaries are everything..
Games and activities to train self-control
Body and movement games
Games that demand Stop the body, wait for a signal Changing responses helps train motor impulse control, which is very important in childhood, and can even be complemented by physical discipline activities such as children's judo, which teach self-control and respect.
- The turtle gameThe child lies face down and pretends to be a turtle hiding in its shell. They tense their arms, legs, and neck for a few seconds, and then, following the adult's instructions, slowly emerge, relaxing each part. This activity trains the body awareness and progressive relaxation.
- Yoga teacherThe child becomes the "teacher" and decides on gentle stretches, deep breathing exercises, or massages with feathers or soft objects. In addition to relaxing, learn to manage your own calm and that of others.
- Red light, green light, "chicken" or "Simon says"All these games require listening to instructions, stopping abruptly, and changing actions according to the command. They are ideal for working sustained attention and motor inhibition.
- Frozen DanceIt's danced while the music plays, and when it stops, everyone must freeze like statues. It trains the rapid transition from agitation to stillness, something very useful in everyday life.
- snail raceThe winner is the last one to reach the finish line, moving as slowly as possible. The child has to control the natural impulse to run and regulate the speed of your body.
Cognitive and reflective games
In addition to the body, it's important to work on the control of thoughts and decisionsSome very useful games are:
- Chess and turn-based board gamesThey help develop planning, patience, frustration tolerance, and acceptance of mistakes. Each play requires think before acting and accept the consequences.
- "Go / No Go" GamesFor example, saying the name of a color written in a different color, or clapping twice when the adult claps once. These activities train the Cognitive control and mental flexibility.
- Constructions with instructionsFollowing a design step by step (blocks, assembly pieces) requires attention, working memory, and resisting the urge to improvise. This is where the work is done. inhibitory control and the ability to follow guidelines.
Spaces and objects to calm down
In addition to games, it is advisable to offer the child specific resources to use when you feel very angry or nervous.
- A space of calmA quiet corner of the house or classroom with cushions, stuffed animals, books, a calming drawing, or soft music. Explain to the child that this is a place to go when they need to. regain calm and feel safenot a place of punishment.
- calming ball or jarHousehold objects that, when shaken, show movements of sand, rice, or glitter in the water. Observing how the particles gradually fall invites... regulate breathing and decrease activation.
- Stress ballA balloon filled with rice, lentils, or chickpeas that the child can squeeze when they feel angry or tense. It's a simple way to channel intense energy without causing harm.
Sensory and artistic activities
Stimulate the senses appropriately helps to transition from a state of hyperactivation to one of calm.
- SandboxA box with fine sand and some small toys. The child can sink their fingers in, draw pictures, or bury objects. This tactile experience promotes... mindfulness in the present and relaxation.
- Music, stories and mantrasListening to soft melodies, audio stories, or short, repeated phrases (mantras) allows the brain focus on a rhythmic stimulus which gradually reduces the emotional intensity.
- Fine Arts: coloring large drawingsPainting or modeling with plasticine helps with concentration and channeling emotions. creatively regulate impulsivity.
Emotional resources: metaphors and language
Finally, it is very valuable to teach the child to to put words and images to what you feelso that it can be better understood and more adaptive behaviors can be chosen.
- The volcanoIt explains that inside we are like a volcano. When we are calm, the lava stays inside; when we get very angry, the lava erupts. This metaphor helps to understanding anger and its outbursts, and talk about what to do before "exploding".
- Calm CakeA cake is drawn divided into slices, and on each slice is written a trick to calm down: take a deep breath, count to ten, think of something pleasant, ask for a hug… This way, when the child gets upset, they can choose a slice and recall a specific strategy.
- Emotional traffic lightA traffic light is drawn with three colors, and each color is associated with an action: red (I stop), yellow (I think about what I feel and what I can do), green (I act calmly). In this way, the child Learn to brake before you react.
- Indoor weather reportAsking "What's the weather like in there?" invites the child to connect their emotions with images like sun, clouds, or a storm. This makes it easier for them to express your mood even when he has not yet mastered emotional language.
All this training requires coordination between family and school, patience, and a strong adult presence. In return, children develop a skill that positively influences their relationships, their learning ability, and their well-being throughout their lives. Fostering self-control from childhood doesn't mean demanding perfection, but rather supporting each small step forward with understanding, clear boundaries, and the constant message that one can always learn to react differently.
