Why doesn't my child want to borrow his toys?

Our son asks us to take him to the playground with a very good friend from the nursery school. We agree to your request, but we must wait several days since it does not stop raining. After accumulating anxiety and illusions, the long-awaited moment finally arrives. His friend's mother has gladly offered to join us.

Children play quietly in the sand with their buckets, rakes and shovels. Suddenly, the pulling for the blue bucket begins. Neither is willing to give it up. We find out that our son is the owner of the toy and we ask him to loan it to his friend. He emphatically refuses and we blush and don't know what to do. A few minutes later the blue bucket will be left in the sand and the conflict will ensue over the red shovel. We begin to ask ourselves: is our son selfish by nature? Are we making mistakes as parents, making mistakes in his education? How should we react?

Self-affirmation
First of all, we must remember that between the second and third year of life, the child's own identity is born. If babies are not able to clearly distinguish between themselves and the rest of the world, little by little, they will establish that difference. They will first be able to recognize themselves in the mirror or in a photograph; then they will explore their body and distinguish it from external objects; later they will learn to differentiate people and to recognize their own name.

Around the age of two, the child begins the self-assertion process. One of the words that stars in his days is "I". Although he does not always pronounce it, he tends to delimit the border between his own person and that of others with his daily actions. He plays mainly alone and, when there are other children, plays together with them, but rarely "with" them.

On the other hand, by opposing it, it reaffirms its identity. If he were carried away by what adults tell him, he would not know if he has desires or intentions of his own. The clearest way to feel that you have a will of your own and different from other people is by saying "no." The gestures of denial are accompanied by those of stubbornness and rebellion, also characteristic of this age: does not want to eat, fights with other children or breaks toys.

Self-centeredness before selfishness
This process of affirming their own identity is accompanied by a set of experiences that they have lived and continue to live, which make the child feel like the center of the universe. From his birth he has had all his needs satisfied; his parents have cared for him down to the smallest details and have given him all their love, affection and understanding. The feeling of being unique, unrepeatable and different from others, together with the "normality" with which the child receives the attention and affection of his parents, foster a growing egocentricity. This characteristic should be taken as a normal phase of the development of your personality and not as a negative quality.

His own intellectual development and experiences such as the birth of a baby brother or living with other children in a nursery school, make him understand, little by little, that he is not alone in the world and that there are "others" who are also cared for and pampered like himself. Their reaction to this check is usually negative, fueling their self-centeredness.

The sense of ownership
The child knows very well what is his, but he also wants to make his own what others have. Hence, not only is he not willing to lend his things, but also snatches the belongings of other children or adults around him without waiting for any kind of consent.

On the other hand, he is not yet able to "put himself in the other's place" or accept that there are other points of view or thoughts that are not his own. That is why she becomes infatuated, for example, when her grandmother does not want to lend her a ring that is a family memory. He announces that he does not love her anymore and leaves in anger without listening to the explanations of his loved one.

What to do in these situations?

• Above all, do not obsess over the subject or think that our child is "bad" by nature.

• Understand that the child is going through another phase in their development, which will disappear over time.

• Do not show extreme reactions: neither absolute permissiveness, nor constant punishment.

• Wait for the child's own psychological evolution through his experiences with other children to show him the benefits of sharing games and objects and asking for them rather than taking them directly.

• Exercise patience, understanding and education with a positive spirit of our children.

• Be aware that it is not an easy or fast process, but that it occurs gradually and constitutes another stage in the child's adaptation to the social environment.

BIBLIOGRAPHY
Eva Bargalló Chaves, "The third year of life", Born and grow. The world of your son step by step, Barcelona, ​​Salvat, 2000, Volume XV.
Luciano Montero, The adventure of growing up. Keys to a healthy development of your son's personality, Buenos Aires, Planeta, 1999.