Our son asks us to take him to the playground with us. a very good friend from kindergartenWe agree to your request, but we must wait several days because it doesn't stop raining. After accumulating hope and expectationsThe long-awaited moment has finally arrived. His friend's mother has gladly offered to accompany us.
The children play quietly in the sand with their buckets, rakes, and shovels. Suddenly, The tug-of-war over the blue bucket beginsNeither of us is willing to give it up. We discover our son owns the toy and ask him to lend it to his friend. He emphatically refuses, and we blush and don't know what to do. A few minutes later, the blue bucket is abandoned in the sand, and a conflict ensues over the red shovel. We begin to wonder: Is our son naturally selfish? Are we making mistakes as parents, making mistakes in his upbringing? How should we react?
Self-affirmation
First of all we must remember that between the second and third year of life, the birth of a child's own identity occurs. If babies are unable to clearly distinguish between themselves and the rest of the world, they will gradually establish that difference. First, they will recognize themselves in a mirror or in a photograph; then, they will explore their body and distinguish it from external objects; later, they will learn to differentiate between people and recognize their own name.
Around the age of two, a child begins the process of self-affirmation. One of the words that dominates their days is "I." Although they don't always say it, tends to delimit the border with its actions between himself and others. He plays mostly alone, and when other children are around, he plays alongside them, but rarely with them.
On the other hand, by opposing, he reaffirms his identity. If he were to be guided by what adults tell him, he wouldn't know whether he had his own desires or intentions. The clearest way to feel that he has a will of his own, distinct from other people, is by saying "no." Gestures of denial are accompanied by obstinacy and rebellion, also characteristic of this age: does not want to eat, fights with other children or breaks toys.
In this period, the game is mostly parallel playThey coexist, observe, and imitate each other, but they haven't yet established turn-taking, shared rules, or shared goals. Therefore, asking them to share a valuable object can be overwhelming.
In addition, the prefrontal cortex—responsible for self-control, planning, and social skills—is developing. Executive functions mature gradually, and with them the ability to wait, negotiate, regulate frustration and put yourself in someone else's shoes.
Self-centeredness before selfishness
This process of affirming one's own identity is accompanied by a series of experiences that the child has lived and continues to live, which make him feel like the center of the universe. Since birth, all his needs have been met; his parents have cared for him down to the smallest details and have given him all their love, affection, and understanding. The feeling of being unique, unrepeatable and cared for It fosters a growing egocentrism. This characteristic should be considered a normal phase of personality development and not a negative quality.
His own intellectual development and experiences such as the birth of a sibling or living with other children in a kindergarten gradually make him understand that he is not alone in the world and that there are others who are cared for and pampered like himself. Your reaction to this check may be defensive., temporarily feeding his egocentrism.
Developmental research indicates that sharing is not innate, it is a learned skill which is built over time. Before understanding turn-taking, reciprocity, or time, children protect their belongings because they represent security.
The connection and context also play a role: children tend to share more with people close to them or when the social situation suggests it. The rules of the environment and trust They greatly modulate their sharing behavior.
The sense of ownership
The child knows very well what is his, but he also wants to make what others own. Therefore, not only is he unwilling to lend his things, but he also snatches without waiting for consent the belongings of other children or the adults around them.
On the other hand, he's not yet able to put himself in another's shoes or accept that there are other points of view or thoughts that aren't his own. That's why he becomes stubborn, for example, when his grandmother refuses to lend him a ring that's a family heirloom. He announces that he doesn't love her anymore and angrily walks away without listening to his loved one's explanations. Its interpretation is literal and immediate.: If something gets out of hand, he fears it won't come back.
Understanding turns and timing takes time. Phrases like "leave it for a while" or "it's your friend's turn now" can be tricky, because the concept of time is still diffuseIt requires support, calm, and concrete proposals.
A useful strategy is to define in advance which toys are “special” (they are saved and not shared) and which ones are “for sharing”. Anticipating reduces anxiety and prevents disputes during visits or game nights.
What to do in these situations?
- Above all, do not obsess over the subject or think that our child is "bad" by nature. Avoid labels protects your self-esteem.
- Understand that the child is going through another phase in their development, which will disappear over time. Maturity is gradual.
- Do not show extreme reactions: neither absolute permissiveness, nor constant punishment. Educational balance it's key.
- Wait for the child's own psychological evolution through his experiences with other children to show him the benefits of sharing games and objects and asking for them rather than taking them directly. The social experience teaches a lot.
- Exercise patience, understanding and education with a positive spirit of our children. Adult calm regulates.
- Be aware that it is not an easy or fast process, but that it occurs gradually and constitutes another stage in the child's adaptation to the social environment. Time and accompaniment.
- Do not force sharing: Forcing creates resistance and associates sharing with discomfort. It's better to model and propose alternatives.
- Validate emotions"I can see you're having trouble leaving your car. When you're done, we can let your friend know." Name what feels calm.
- Use clear turns: hourglass or sand timer. Each child plays for the same amount of time; this helps develop patience and fairness.
- Intervene only for safetyIf a shove or hit occurs, separate the activity and offer another activity. No judgment, no humiliation.
- Prepare the visits: Put away “treasure” toys and keep “shareable” ones handy. Anticipate simple rules before playing.
- Modeling at home: Showing how we lend and ask for things (“Can I borrow this, please?”) inspires positive imitation.
- Strengthening shared experiences: crafts in pairs, taking turns reading pages, or cooperative walks.
- Don't play the judgeAvoid systematically taking sides or looking for culprits. Guide them to think of solutions together.
How to teach sharing without forcing
Sharing is learned by practicing previous skills: empathy, turn-taking, cooperation, patience, and a sense of justice. It can be trained with simple activities and structured games.
Suggestions that work: make a craft in parts (each person contributes a section), paint a “surprise” drawing by folding the paper in sections, or read a story alternating pages. The tangible and visible shifts help internalize the shared rhythm.
It is also useful to conduct “courtesy rehearsals” or small begging and lending plays, typical of methodologies such as Montessori education. Rehearse phrases and gestures in a calm environment it provides security for real life.
In addition to objects, time and attention are shared: cooking together, watering plants, setting up a cooperative construction. Share experiences sows value without focusing only on the material.
Stories, short films, and films with values can spark conversations. Titles like "Mine! It's Not Always Easy to Share," "Can I Lend It?" or "I Don't Want to Share" allow for conversations about everyday situations. Read, watch and discuss consolidates learning.
Between siblings: mediating without taking sides
With siblings, the first thing is to consider each one's stage. Wait a few minutes You can allow them to negotiate alone. If the conflict escalates, the "neutral" object is removed and a discussion begins to discuss an alternative use.
If the object is clearly yours, it is not advisable to force sharing. You can encourage sharing. a voluntary alternative and, in parallel, work on the frustration tolerance of the brother who wants the toy.
After the event, the emotions of both are addressed: satisfaction, anger, sadness. Name and validate helps process and reduces future explosions.
Avoiding labels like “selfish” or “always taking things away” is essential. Comparisons and judgments They damage the fraternal bond and fuel rivalry.
A practical resource is “bridge language”: the adult translates what one wants to say to the other without taking sides, and guides the search for solutions. The focus shifts from the culprit to the solution.
Common mistakes that make sharing difficult
– Snatching the object from the child’s hands to “teach sharing”: models precisely the opposite. Adult coherence It matters more than the speech.
– Forcing children to give in “just because”: This creates resentment and makes them share out of fear or pressure. Internal motivation is the objective.
– Using public shaming (“lend it to them in front of everyone”): hurts self-esteem. Correct privately and respectfully protects learning.
– Ignoring “treasure toys”: Failure to distinguish between special and shareable toys triggers avoidable conflicts. Prevention is part of educating.
– Comparing with other children: “Look how your cousin really shares.” Comparisons don’t teach; they disconnect and hurt.
Benefits of learning to share
As the child matures, he or she discovers that sharing has positive returns: empathy, assertiveness, cooperation, social integration and friendship. He also learns how to ask, take turns, and negotiate fairly.
The key isn't to share everything and always; no adult does that. It's about distinguish what, when, how and with whom, respecting personal and other boundaries. This discernment is built through practice and sensitive guidance.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Eva Bargalló Chaves, "The third year of life", Born and grow. The world of your son step by step, Barcelona, Salvat, 2000, Volume XV.
Luciano Montero, The adventure of growing up. Keys to a healthy development of your son's personality, Buenos Aires, Planeta, 1999.
If your child ever refuses to lend his blue bucket or red spade, remember that it's not a matter of meanness or rudeness. It's a stage in which is asserting itself, learning to regulate itself and understand othersWith clear boundaries, respectful modeling, opportunities for practice, and lots of patience, you'll end up sharing authentically and joyfully.