What to do if my child does not want to separate from me

When a son does not want to separate from the mother or father It is surely because they feel a small emotional dependency, something that is not at all negative when they are small. That is why, when children have to be left in daycare for the first time, both parents and children have such a hard time, because the little one does not want to be separated from his parents.

If you are a mother, you will know that the affective bond that exists between mother and baby is not only strong but almost indestructible. If during the first year of life you have been the one in charge of taking care of your baby all the time (along with your partner, of course), then you will also know that this bond will have been strengthened even more. But when the first months of life are over, children can feel great anxiety when separated from the mother. Then, What to do if my son does not want to separate from me?

Dads time, all the time

There are children who go through that phase that every mother/father knows: “mom phase” or “daddy phase”. We may think that locking ourselves up with the child 24 hours a day can satisfy his desire, but no, we must not fall into temptation. In fact, we must seek to do the opposite.

Many parents have experienced these phases during the last two years, when the Covid 19 crisis forced us to stay inside for a long time. The pandemic and lockdown it made them much more dependent, to love mom or dad for everything: school activities, games, everything; and vice versa, to also participate in parental activities, work by Zoom, yoga classes, online purchases, absolutely everything.

It can be charming to us that they want be with us, but it's not healthy in the long run. Experts in child psychology say that it is normal that in moments of crisis or anxiety the child develops a preference for one of the parents, who rearms her comfort zone, so to speak. If before your child was "mother's baby" the pandemic intensified this situation and today he still tells us to get out of it.

And we must know that if the child does not want to be separated from us behind that lies a certain degree of power and control. If we don't change the situation alone we empower to our son and we reaffirm that "it is what he wants, who he wants and when he wants it".

There are children to whom this happens early, such as after nine months, and others (as in the case of my son), who is from a year and a half and even a little more, when they can feel this great anxiety of separation, something that makes them and their fathers and mothers feel bad as well. Separation crisis is a common part of children's development. It can start around eight months and peak at 14 or 18 months, but it usually goes away gradually in early childhood.

If your son feel separation anxiety It is likely that he will cry whenever someone he does not know wants to pick him up, and if he manages to do so, he will only look for you and call you to return to your arms. If this happens to your young child, you should not worry because it is something that, as we said, will disappear almost magically when the child exceeds the barrier of three years.

But if you feel bad and your child becomes very irritable, You can follow these tips on what to do if your child does not want to be separated from you: 

• Convey calm to your child and do not panic, remember that this is normal.
• Your son does not understand the notion of time so he thinks that if you leave you will not return, that is why he is distressed.
• One idea is to get your child used to spending time with other people besides you like family and friends.
• If you go somewhere (even if only for a moment) always let him know even if you think he is not paying attention or that he does not understand you.
• If you have to say goodbye to go to work or to leave him at school, do not prolong the moment and when you see him again, show him your great joy and if you can, stay with him for a while in that new place before separating. That will lower your stress.
• You can leave him something he wants, a toy, a doll, a pillow or a blanket. These objects will help you feel more secure. Gradually, then you can take them off.
• Tell whoever you are leaving your child with (relative, friend or institution), that the child has anxiety when separating from you and show what you are doing to resolve it.
• Never show yourself distressed about having to leave him.
• . Don't get mad because he or she has breakup anxiety. It's not her fault.
• You can read him some invented story in which the protagonist feels the same as him, so that he identifies. That will help him, but also you, so you discover that he feels your son.

Then to the extent that the child is of preschool and school age, that anxiety will be left behind. Of course, there will always be times when he wants to be alone with you: if he is sick, if he feels bad... Should you worry at any time even though we say that this situation is normal?

You should only take action if you think your child has developed separation anxiety disorder. Only 4% of preschool and school-age children develop it, and One way to find out is when:

• the child's anxiety interferes with his life and that of your family
• is more severe than that of children his age
• He hasn't left in at least four months.

If we compare a child with separation anxiety disorder with others of the same age, they could usually worrying about getting hurt or having an accident if they're not with you, they don't want to stay in school, they don't want to sleep in other places or without you, complain of feeling sicks when they are away. Only then can they think about the help of a professional who can be the teacher, a school counselor, the pediatrician.