Children's parties for young children are often a very exciting and challenging experience for their parents. The satisfaction of seeing their children playing with other children is compounded by the frustration of their little ones' social behavior. Suddenly they discover selfish behaviors, fights over a toy, or difficulties in give up your turn when it's time to receive your slice of cake.
Harmonizing our desires with the claims of others requires a long learningEven older people continue to hone this skill. If we face multiple conflicts as adults due to this, imagine how difficult it is for young children. They are unaware of many rules of courtesy and, furthermore, they have a hard time putting themselves in someone else's shoes.
3 years: a good time to start
At three years Children begin to leave that explosive stage of their egocentrism, in which they are convinced that what's theirs is theirs alone, and what's others', if possible, is theirs too. This strong sense of possessiveness has helped them become fully aware of themselves and differentiate themselves from the rest of the people around them.
As they are confident, they can begin to develop interests and social skillsLittle by little, they begin to notice other children, and some have their first little friends. They don't yet play games that require real coordination between participants, but other children already inspire something more than indifference or rivalry. They enjoy being in the company of other children and show genuine interest in their peers. They talk about them by name, recount things that happen together, and sometimes even mention that they have boyfriends or girlfriends.
They are still emerging from the self-centered age and drastic changes should not be expected. But the words “share,” “grant,” “exchange,” and “make a deal” They are no longer impossible in their vocabulary. It's not easy for children to learn the skills of negotiation and exchange on their own so early, but if adults tactfully teach them, they can make great progress.
At this stage it is useful to mark realistic goals: take turns in the bouncer, agree on who starts, or decide how many minutes each of you will use a toy. The key is for the child to gradually experience that Giving in also brings benefits (more play, less conflict, more friends).
The value of praise
It's important to praise our children whenever they display kind, generous, and helpful behaviors. It's also essential clearly express disapproval when they do not behave this way. Since children find it difficult to understand very abstract reasons why it is important to make a pact with others rather than impose one's own will, it is a good idea to explain to them the reasons why concrete advantages for example, using the hammock alternately with their friends.
For a child of three or four years old, the following are very important: verbal cluesThis type of praise is very effective for two reasons. On the one hand, it informs them of the benefits of being kind and cooperative. On the other hand, it makes them feel proud and competent, giving them a sense of progress. In doing so, we are building the foundation for their ability to function in society.
Test labeled praise (tell them exactly what they did right): “I liked how you waited your turn on the slide,” “It was generous of you to lend your car to your cousin.” This type of reinforcement clarifies what behaviors to repeat and increases the chances of their retention.
Concrete strategies for practicing the pact
For our children to truly learn to resolve their conflicts, it is important to help them find concrete strategiesA good way to start is to practice sharing and making a pact in our own relationship with them. “I'm giving you that earring you like so much because I know how beautiful it looks on you and how much you enjoy wearing it.” “Can I borrow your pink headband?” “We could make a cake for the afternoon, and then we'll share it with your siblings.”
Once trained, we can apply this learning to their relationships with their friends. “Here are the colored pencils and paper. Play together and try to share them.” The simple pleasure of being kind It can be very stimulating, especially when we praise them. But we also have to teach them to make deals so that both parties benefit. "Great, you get to enjoy the ball and he gets to enjoy your car."
When children develop minimal skills in negotiating with each other, we no longer need to be so directive. It's interesting observe how they behave and, in some cases, intervene at some point to help them with some suggestion.
Incorporate these practical tactics, especially useful in everyday life:
- It starts with an agreement (not with a command): “Do you want to put the plates or the spoons?” Giving active choices encourages cooperation.
- Involves the child in decisions: "How many minutes do you need to finish and go to bed on time?" This way you reinforce autonomy and responsibility.
- Explain your point of view In simple language: “We have to go because I need to prepare dinner.” Then listen to their response to adjust the agreement if possible.
- Negotiating is not giving in: If you adjust schedules or tasks, it's not about "winning or losing," but about finding a functional solution for all.
- Age and topic matter: with preschoolers, negotiate formats (how to do it) more than basic rules (which is non-negotiable).
- Respond to criticism with questions: “How would you do it? When is the best time for you to do it?” You turn the complaint into proposal.
- Take some time to calm down: When emotion rises, negotiating skills decrease. Pausing prevents climbs.
- Write simple agreements: notes like “Pick up toys at 19:30 p.m.” or a family list avoids scolding and gives clarity.
- Let him win sometimes: choosing battles strengthens your alianza and shows flexibility.
- Remember that you decide in the end: Listen and be fair, but there are times when one must decide to take care of routines and safety.
Negotiation techniques adapted to parenting
There are tools very useful professional negotiation skills at home, always adapted with warmth and play.
- Mirror technique: repeats the child's last words in a curious tone ("Five more minutes?"). Causes expand information and helps you understand what he really wants.
- Labeling emotions: Name what you feel is happening (“It seems like you’re frustrated because your shift is over”). Naming emotions decreases the intensity and opens the door to agreement.
- Better an honest “no” than an empty “yes”: A sincere “no” allows for exploration of what is missing (“What would you need to be able to bathe now?”). Avoid a “yes” to please that will later it is not fulfilled.
- Grants the illusion of control with open questions: “How can we do it so that you have time to finish and have dinner?” Transfer the search for solutions to the kid.
- Play with numbers: Define visible times (clock/timer) and use ranges (“Between 5 and 7 minutes of play, which do you choose?”). Choose a non-round number and add a small final concession (e.g., “and you turn off the timer”) to signal that the deal is closed.
What is negotiated and what is not
Not everything is negotiable. There are areas related to health, safety and basic routines (going to school, brushing teeth, sleeping, wearing a seatbelt) which are non-negotiable. What is negotiable is the how do it (order, background music, who starts, exact time within a range), not the qué.
It also helps that adults maintain coherence: Avoid one person negotiating everything and the other negotiating nothing. Agree on what is negotiable in your family and communicate it with your family. clarity. Pick your battles and remember: changing your mind when the minor contributes a good idea isn't losing, it's teach flexibility.
Simple steps to resolve conflicts between children
- Keep calm: Before you speak, breathe. A calm mind thinks and gives way better.
- Identify and understand: what happened, what each one wanted and how they felt. Ask them to say it in their own words so align versions.
- Talk and apologize if applicable: active listening, speaking turns and, when necessary, sincere forgiveness.
- Find joint solutions: brainstorming, weighing pros and cons and choosing an option win win (shifts, exchanges, alternate uses).
- Tracking: Review whether the agreement worked and adjust details. The habit of reviewing reinforces commitment and learning.
In practice, the adult accompanies as model and facilitator, but the goal is for children to be able to do so with increasing autonomy.
Socio-emotional skills that support negotiation
Managing emotions: teaching to notice anger, tiredness or frustration and to regulate oneself (breathing, counting, looking for water) prevents bursts.
Verbal expression: Practice phrases like “I need…”, “It bothers me when…”, “I propose that…”. Expressing yourself clearly reduces misunderstandings.
Critical thinking: compare options, anticipate consequences and choose the most property for all.
Empathy: put yourself in the other's shoes and recognize that there is other points of view equally valid.
Assertiveness: defend your own with respect and without agredir the other.
Ideas and practical examples for everyday life
- Bedtime: "Do you prefer read 5 minutes and then lights out, or lights out and 5 minutes of back massage?” Das election within the limit.
- Meals: “Today it’s vegetables. Do you want broccoli or carrots? If you don’t like them, you can serve them with your favorite sauce.” You keep the nutritional goal and you offer alternatives.
- Tasks: “We have to pick up. What do you prefer, you blocks and I cars, or the other way around?” Collaboration and distribution clear.
- Criticisms or complaints: If he says “stop nagging me”, respond “How do you manage to do it before dinner?” Turning a reproach into plan.
- Writing agreements: : visible calendar with two or three agreements (e.g., “TV from 18:00 to 18:30”). Paper reduces the friction.
- roleplaying: Act out a negotiation (who uses the favorite pencil) and then swap roles. The game consolidates tests of conduct.
- Prepared environment: low hangers, easy drawers, simple clothes. Give autonomy reduces opposition and increases commitment to agreements.
The importance of example
Learning to share and negotiate is something greatly influenced by the family modelIf we behave with kindness and flexibility at home; if we get used to asking before ordering; if we give and receive; our children will find it easier to learn from this model. We should also dedicate quality time to be with them. If they have fun with us, if we show understanding and a willingness to listen to them, they will more easily acquire the character and energy that will allow them to be cooperative with others.
Speak to them with respect, admit when we are wrong and fulfill what was agreed are powerful signals of coherence. And, when there are non-negotiable decisions, communicate them calmly and empathy as well as preserves the bond.
To take into account:
- Let's recognize that, for a three or four year old, making agreements and sharing can be difficult many times.
- Let's show them our understanding and discuss with them the feelings thereon.
- Bedtime is a good time to do a Libra with them about what happened during the day.
- Let's not forget congratulate when they manage to make a pact.
- Let us be aware that the child has limitations and cannot make any deal or share anything.
- Define what is negotiable and what not at home, and be consistent.
- Avoid negotiating When there is extreme tiredness or hunger; look for the time suitable.
- Use timers visible for time agreements: reduce arguments.
- Let it “win” sometimes and recognizes their good ideas; motivates the participación.
- If things get heated, pause and resume with a fresh mind.
- Parents aligned: agree on rules and avoid conflicting messages.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Luciano Montero, The Adventure of Growing Up: Keys to Healthy Personality Development in Your Child, Buenos Aires, Planeta.
David Shaffer, Developmental Psychology: Childhood and Adolescence, Mexico, Thomson International Publishers.
Educating in negotiation does not mean giving up limits, but rather teaching children to reconcile needs, listen, propose and follow through on agreements. With well-placed praise, simple techniques and a climate of respect, families find fewer fights, more cooperation and a stronger bond.