There are parents who must sit before their children to talk about what it is divorce and how it will affect the familyCarefully and gently, they should convey to the children that Mom and Dad will no longer live together and will live in different houses, but that the children will be able to see them regularly. It is very important to focus the information on the fact that both parents love their children and that they love them above all else, even though their relationship has changed.
The way you talk about divorce will depend on the children's ages and their ability to understand what has happened, although it's necessary to keep some points in mind so that the conversation can be as clear as possible, following advice on How to separate when there are children. Children should have complete freedom to ask questions. any aspect they need to clarify in their minds, even if they do so days or weeks after the first conversation.
If the parents do not feel equipped to deal with the situation, they may seek professional advice on how to help children cope with the separation in order to choose the necessary information to give their children without overwhelming or worrying them. Sometimes, when parents separate, they may begin to have certain disagreements, and it is necessary that, for the sake of the children, An external consultant should be sought to help balance communication. now prepare a joint, calm and respectful message.
When two people who loved each other divorce and also have children in common, it can be quite a complicated situation. Young children are often quite self-centered and think (and feel guilty about it) that their parents will get divorced because of them. Parents will need to help children adjust to reality about divorce, and this will begin with good communication and explaining to them exactly what divorce is, in simple words and without harmful details that they don't need to know.
To have a good conversation and ensure children don't feel scared or uncertain, it's necessary to keep a few things in mind: the time, the place, the tone of voice, and the practical information that will be offered (for example, a an effective timeline for you, your ex, and your children) and the space for their emotions. The children's priority is knowing if they will continue to be safewho they will live with, whether they will be able to see both parents, and whether their daily life will change much.
How to prepare for the moment to talk about divorce
Before talking to their children, adults need to be at least minimally organized. Children suffer greatly when they are told about the separation without a clear plan. about what will happen next. Therefore, whenever possible, it is advisable that the parents have already decided how custody will be arranged, where each will live, and how visits will be conducted, so that minimize pain.
Some important aspects to prepare are:
- Define the basic information: with whom the child will live most of the timewhen they will see the other parent, whether they will change houses or schools, and what things will remain the same.
- Choose a quiet moment: without rushing, without immediate commitments afterwards and avoiding special dates (birthdays, holidays, important exams, etc.).
- Choose a safe placeIdeally, it should be the family home, a familiar place where the child feels protected and can cry, ask questions, or get angry without feeling observed.
- If possible, both parents should attend.This conveys that, although they are no longer a couple, they remain a team when it comes to their children.
- Agree on a common messagePrepare a short script to avoid contradictions, reproaches, or arguments in front of the children.
In the conversation, it is essential that the tone is calm and that the parents manage their own emotions. Children need to see adults relatively restrained. to feel supported. That doesn't mean pretending not to be sad, but showing emotions without losing control or putting children in the role of comforting their parents.
Three factors for children to understand divorce well
Three key factors They help children of any age to cope and adjust after their parents' divorce:
- Have a strong relationship with both parents (whenever possible and the child wants to do it). Maintaining the bond with both parents reduces the feeling of loss and promotes their emotional security.
- That the parents agree on the parenting styleBoth parents must maintain their ability to raise their children regardless of their personal circumstances, with consistent rules and limits.
- Minimal exposure to conflictChildren should not witness any conflict between their parents, nor open arguments or constant criticism.
These three points are indeed somewhat difficult for many families to achieve, especially if there are disagreements or a poor relationship between the parents. But for the sake of the children, who are not to blame for the adults' problems, it's important to make an effort to get along as well as possible so that the children can have a good social and emotional development.
Even when the couple's relationship has been very conflictive, children can adapt well if these basic conditions are met. It is not the divorce itself that is most damagingbut the way it is carried out: secrets, lies, constant changes of mind, shouting, threats or instrumentalization of minors (avoid, for example, 3 things you should never say to your children).
Promote the bond with both parents
When divorce is discussed, a child may feel that they are losing a parent and that, once the process is complete, one of them will be gone from their life forever. Many circumstances can lead a child to believe that nothing will ever be the same again. It is important for the child to understand that divorce is not a goodbye, it's just a transition for a change in everyone's life, but a change for the better, so that everyone can be more at peace and enjoy life without having to suffer toxic relationships that would only cause emotional harm.
It is worth noting that:
- They will still have two homes where they will be loved.even if the organization of time changes.
- They will be able to have frequent contact with both parents., in person or by phone, as agreed.
- They will be able to express if they feel uncomfortable with any schedule. or change to seek, as far as possible, reasonable adjustments.
In addition, parents will have the obligation to foster their own emotional ties and respect in relation to the other parent. If you denigrate the other parent in front of your childrenYou'll only be affecting everyone's relationship, and to make matters worse, you'll be implicitly hurting your child. If you don't get along with their father or mother, remember this: they will always be their father or mother, and that's part of the child's identity.
Sometimes, after the divorce is announced, some children may temporarily refuse to see one of their parents. This refusal is often a form of protest or an intense reaction to the news. It's important to respect their emotions without reinforcing the distance.Give them some space, but keep to the scheduled visits, patiently supporting them through their feelings without pressuring or blaming them. For these situations, it may be helpful to consult resources on... What to do if my children don't want to see their father.
Encourage good parenting on both sides
When you talk to your children about divorce, you should keep up with any issues that are not competent at the time. Don't talk about legal, financial, or personal matters in front of your children.Especially if it involves issues they don't understand or that might force them to choose sides. Get outside help if needed; seek counseling to help you build a good relationship with your ex-partner before speaking with your children.
Your children will need to see you as role models: role models who know what they want and how they want it, and above all, role models who respect others (despite the circumstances). When children observe that, even though their parents don't get along as a couple, They are able to agree in favor of the familyThey learn a very valuable lesson about conflict resolution.
In this context, Perhaps it would be appropriate to conduct parent educationso that they are able to think about and prioritize what truly matters: their children. Not struggle, not money, not power… what is truly important is the happiness and stability of their children. They are innocent, developing beings who deserve the very best, and for their sake, it is necessary to focus all their energy on achieving it. A couples therapist or family therapist can help you achieve a good interaction with your children so that you get along better within the new family structure. Furthermore, the transformation after divorce It can promote personal and family reconstruction.
It is also key to maintain consistent routines and rules in both householdsSimilar sleep schedules, basic agreements about studying, screen time, going out, and responsibilities. It's not necessary for everything to be exactly the same, but there should be a similar framework so the child feels secure.
Adapt the message to the age and emotional development
Children at different developmental levels naturally have different understandings of divorce, its causes, and what the future holds for them. Therefore, Parents should adapt their conversations to their children's level of maturity. and their particular way of understanding the world.
Young children (0-5 years)
Young children are very sensitive to changes in their environment, especially when it comes to family structure. They still think very concretely, so it's important to use a simple and clear language when explaining the separation to them.
It's advisable to emphasize that Mom and Dad will always love and care for them despite the separation. It's also essential maintain a stable routine and provide emotional security During this process: same sleeping hours, same people who pick them up, same attachment objects between homes.
At this stage it helps a lot to repeat messages like: "Mom and Dad won't live together anymore, but you'll still see them both," or "this isn't because of anything you did." The reassuring repetition It helps them internalize that they are not guilty and that adults will continue to take care of them.
School-age children (6-12 years)
School-aged children have a greater understanding of relationships and may have more questions and concerns about their parents' separation. It is crucial listen to their concerns and answer honestly answer their questions, adapting the information to their level of development and avoiding details that could harm or confuse them.
It's important to reassure them that the separation is not their fault and that both parents will continue to love and support them. Furthermore, it's advisable that the parents establish effective communication to coordinate transitions (pick-ups, extracurricular activities, birthdays, etc.) and ensure stability in the child's daily routine.
At this age, many children silently wonder things like: "Could I have done anything to keep them together?", "Will they get back together if I behave?". It is advisable to address these doubts even if they are not verbalized.clearly conveying that the decision was made by the adults and that there is nothing the child can do to change it.
Adolescents (13-18 years old)
Teenagers may have a better understanding of the legal and emotional aspects of separation. They may also judge their parents more harshly, take sides, or be highly critical. This is crucial. give them the opportunity to express their feelings and concerns, actively listening to them and showing empathy, without getting into arguments with them.
It is important to involve teenagers in certain decisions related to the adaptation period and the distribution of time between parents, always within an already decided adult framework. Provide them with reasonable options and allow them to participate in the planning Understanding their new reality can help them feel more respected and less powerless in the process.
In all cases, it is essential to maintain clear, open, and respectful communication. Children need to be reassured that they will continue to be loved and cared for, and that the separation will not change the love their parents feel for them. Constant emotional support and stability They are fundamental in helping children adapt to changes and face new circumstances with resilience.
Clear and simple messages when explaining divorce
In all cases, the message from parents to children should be clear and simple. Confusing or highly intimate details should be omitted. that could lead children to believe that they are the ones who need to solve the problem or that they are the cause of the divorce.
The parents, preferably together, can explain in a calm tone something like this: "We have decided that we cannot live together and we do not wish to remain married. It was not an easy decision, but it was an adult decision." It has absolutely nothing to do with you"We both love you with all our hearts." Children may react to the news with mixed feelings: sadness, relief, anger, fear, curiosity… all these reactions are normal.
It may be helpful to raise the following issues:
- Mom and Dad will be calmer and there will be fewer arguments.
- There will be two homes where you will be loved.
- Each of us will continue to be an important part of your life.
- It's important that you can tell us how you feel and ask questions.
Some children already expect the news because they have witnessed many arguments. Others are very surprised because their parents have hidden the conflicts. In both cases, They will need multiple opportunities to ask. and express their concerns, not only on the first day, but also later on, as they experience the changes.
Make sure your children know they are safe and that they are not to blame.
Children's priority is knowing if they will continue to be safe. Many wonder how the divorce will change their daily lives: whether they will have to move, change schools, friends, or activities. They may not express other important concerns because they are afraid of upsetting their parents. It is key to explain how the divorce will change their daily lives in a concrete and calm manner.
It's important to address both the questions that are asked and the ones that aren't. Often, internally, doubts arise such as:
- It was my fault?
- Could he have done anything to keep them together?
- Will they get back together if I promise to behave?
- Will they still love me even if they don't live with me?
- How often will I be able to see them?
- Will we have enough money?
The important thing when answering is to do it with Clarity and honesty adapted to their ageReassure them that they will continue to be loved and cared for. Repeat as often as necessary that the separation is an adult decision, based on adult problems, and that nothing the children have done or failed to do has caused this change.
Be honest about what will change in their daily lives and prepare them in advance for these changes. Change can be overwhelming and scary for children; it may take them time to adjust to new living and custody arrangements. Try to minimize disruptions to your daily routines as much as possible and offer them support in finding ways to cope with their feelings through art, talking to a friend, journaling, or exercising.
No conflicts in front of the children
When you're talking to the children, it's essential that you put your conflicts aside and let them see you as calm as possible. They need your peace, your serenity, and above all, your confidence to know that what's going to happen with the divorce is truly the best option for everyone. If, when you are talking to your children, you notice that there will be a conflict...You will have the responsibility to stop it before it starts.
If you think there may be conflicts when you want to talk to your children about divorce (or at any other time), it will be necessary to follow these tips:
- Limit conversations when you talk to your children. Talk to the children, not to each other.
- Don't use your kids to text your ex.
- If you need to discuss things with your ex that could lead to an argument, it's best to use less emotional means: email, a notepad, messaging apps, etc. That way, when you talk to your children, you'll have already said everything without needing to argue. Maintain a respectful attitude at all times.
- Respect the time when the other parent talks with the children, respect the privacy they need as well.
In particularly tense situations, it may be preferable to communicate about the separation separately to avoid turning the moment, which should be focused on the child's well-being, into a new argument. The goal is always to protect the child. scenes that increase their discomfort and reinforce the feeling of instability.
The information contained on this website should not be used as a substitute for individualized medical or psychological advice and care.There can be many variations in the treatment or guidance that a professional might recommend based on specific facts and circumstances.
Facing the separation with courage and honesty, while maintaining an emotional presence towards the childrenThis significantly increases the chances that, after the initial shock, they can adapt to the new stage with a solid foundation of security and love.
