Literature has created in us an imaginary of the role of the stepfather and, above all, of the negative stepmother. The Royal Academy of the Language, already offered this pejorative connotation, but fortunately the term stepfather or stepmother is already neutral, which describes an objective situation.
A stepfather or a stepmother is the one who lives with a spouse or a parent that he already had children. It may be that the spouse is a widower or widower, so there is no living reference, or it may have been a separation or divorce. There are other circumstances as well, like children of single mothers, and things like that.
Role of the stepfather or stepmother
It is important to be clear that the biological mother or father cannot be replaced. Whether they are present or not. The child, even if it is small, must be aware that the mother or father partner is not his real father. If it is a baby, who has not met his biological father, this information will be given to him by the parents when they consider it.
It is crucial that the stepfather or stepmother don't introduce yourself as the new mom or dad. This substitution can lead to children rejecting their mom or dad partner. The boy or the girl will start calling mom or dad when they feel it, this should not be imposed, it should happen on the timeline. Children often address the stepmother or stepfather by their first name.
The fundamental role of the stepfather or stepmother should be support and set boundaries that foster trust and respect. It is difficult not to assume the role of discipline, which is the job of biological parents. Stepparents or stepmothers must follow the rules that they have established.
Role of the stepfather or stepmother within the couple
After a separation or widowhood, many people rebuild their love life, joining a new partner, who in turn may or may not have children. With which it is possible that both members act as stepmother and stepfather at the same time, and even biological parents of a new child.
If one of the parents has widowed, usually the role of the stepfather or stepmother if it tends is more parental. The tasks and functions of the biological father or mother are assumed. So there are no rivalries, or disagreements with the parent.
Whatever the situation, doubts, comments, or situation in raising children with which you disagree, it is better talk privately with your partner rather than trying to change it. It must be borne in mind that before entering the life of the couple, he or she was already a father or mother, and they adapted the upbringing as they believed they should.
Some recommendations
We give you some recommendations that serve in a general way to define, accept or assume the role of stepfather or stepmother. For both roles you also have to take into account the time of coexistence that is established.
- Be patient. With young children the adaptation period is usually easier, but with those over 10 years old (especially adolescents), it is more complex. Do not expect the child to respond with care and affection from the beginning, if it is perfect, but if not, patience. They're coming from complex emotional situations related to breakups. It is best to act positively and patiently. With time things will get easier and easier. As adults, we must be clear that bonding with stepchildren takes time. Sometimes it will take months, and sometimes years.
- Don't buy love. Some people make the mistake of buying the whims and likes of stepchildren. Material things are hardly transformed into love. It is better that you get involved in some of their activities, as long as this does not involve competing with the biological father or mother. Help him with a task, teach him something he does not know and you will see how he will start to be interested in you. This is the way to establish relationships based on love and concern.