One of the most difficult tasks for parents is setting limits for their children. They are often afraid of being bossy or causing serious mental harm to their children by saying “no” to them. This pushes them to be overly permissive, to satisfy whims and not to set any restrictions on the behavior of their little ones. In reality, limits are an intermediate point between repression and "letting go." On the one hand they prohibit but, on the other, they function as regulation, containment or a framework of trust. Hence the importance of learning to establish them.
Why are they necessary?
Children need to be guided by adults to learn to do what they want in the most appropriate way. Limits are the appropriate instrument in this process.
They are necessary because they provide protection and security. If a child is stronger than his parents, he cannot feel protected by them. They allow children to predict the parents' reaction to certain situations and behaviors. They help the little ones to have clear certain criteria about things. They are a reference.
They teach children to know how to give up their desires. This prepares them for similar situations that life will bring them.
How to put a firm "no" and stick with it
Setting limits is saying "no", because not everything is possible. The “no” and the frustration are constitutive of the personality of the little ones, they introduce the waiting time, where not everything can be satisfied immediately.
To establish them it is necessary to do it with authority, security and firmness. These attitudes should not be confused with authoritarianism. When a limit is imposed with excess severity, in an inflexible way, rather than helping the child, it restricts it in its possibilities.
It is also important to have a consistent stance. If a "no" given at a certain moment is transformed into a "yes" in the face of our son's insistence, the child will be receiving a double message that will confuse him.
On the other hand, the setting of limits must be shared and agreed between adults and sustained over time. The little one needs the experience of seeing what has just been transmitted to him confirmed by the adults. For example, if you try to touch the edge of a knife, you will be warned by your mother with a clear, firm and determined "no". Then he will repeat his attempt, trying to find out if the father is also holding him back.
Many times children do not accept explanations, but a "no" put with decision and firmness from the parents is accepted and is reassuring and pacifying.
Characteristics according to age
It is essential to establish limits from the moment of the birth of our child. It is convenient to set the feeding and sleeping times. In this way, you avoid increasing your anxiety, ensuring that your needs will be satisfied in a timely manner.
When the child moves on their own and their games begin, it is also necessary that they have a frame and do not transform the whole house into their play place. For example, while it is essential to encourage him to draw and paint, it is reasonable for him to learn that walls are not the place to express his creativity. On the other hand, it is important to clearly establish that there are objects that should not be touched or activities that you should not carry out because they could hurt or endanger you.
As it grows, the "no" is accompanied by an explanation that facilitates the internalization of the limit and allows one to anticipate the situation. For example, we can tell him that, since it is already very late, we will tell him one last story and then he will go to sleep.
From about 2 years of age, he begins to verbalize his limits to the external world around his needs. More than once we will hear him say "no" to himself when faced with an attack or a lie from a friend.
When do they work?
For the child to be willing to accept the rules or limits set by the parents, it is necessary that there be a good family climate, affection and affection.
Parents must be convinced of what they demand and, therefore, they must insist that it be fulfilled.
The rules must be clear, appropriate to the age of the child and really necessary. They should not be excessive, as this makes them ineffective.
Parents must behave consistently as required. Remember that example is also taught.
It is normal that the child wants to test, with his attitude and his behavior, how far he can go and what is the reaction of the parents if the marked limit is exceeded. It is, at that moment, when you have to be firm, because if you give in, then it will cost much more to regain respect for those rules.
All of this does not exclude the need for parents to adopt a flexible mentality that allows them to adapt these norms to the situation, to the specific moment and age of the child.
No to the "chirlo" or "spanking"
Surely we have ever heard the phrase “a chirlo in time is worth a thousand words”. It is important that we do not succumb to the temptation of the apparent ease of this corrective. In addition to being punishable by law because it violates the dignity of the child as a person, its effect lasts for a very short time. Hence, it would have to be repeated very frequently and would easily become a habit.
On the other hand, the little ones are great imitators and copy our gestures and attitudes. It is very likely that a child beaten by his parents will, in turn, hit his friends and peers.
Physical punishment lowers self-esteem, incites antisocial behaviors, and blocks the ability to learn. The only thing the hitting, yelling and pinching shows is our impatience and our lack of other smarter educational resources.
Alternatives
It is important to spend enough time. If one is bad to face the day, if he does not get along with other members, if he feels pressured or if he is afraid of the day ahead, the children will feel this tension.
The rules must be established by mutual agreement between parents and children, they must be the product of discussion and understanding.
When we explain to our children the meaning or reason for a limit, we are valuing them as people capable of understanding. Failure to respect the limits must have consequences. These must be proportional, direct and, as far as possible, immediate to the situation that causes them. They must also have a natural or logical relationship with the conduct in question.
Discipline works well when adults are firm, observant, and affectionate, never if they are
they are superficial. It is essential to be aware that setting limits is a way of expressing interest and affection for our children.