If you want to avoid having narcissistic children, don't overvalue them. That's the main message of a new study by a group of researchers at Ohio State University in Columbus and the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands, published in the Proceedings of the US National Academy of Sciences. The researchers conducted the study with the aim of understanding the origins of narcissism. According to this, this is the first prospective study to investigate how narcissism develops.
Many parents treat their children as if they were more than others, as if they deserved more for being special. There is no doubt that for parents, their children are the most special of the world. We must not forget that the Self esteem of children is essential for their proper development. But overvaluing them does not increase their self-esteem levels; it makes them more narcissisticI'll tell you in detail below.
Self-esteem vs. Narcissism
Narcissistic individuals They feel superior to others, fantasize about personal success and believe they deserve a Special treatment. When they feel humiliated, they often lash out in an aggressive or even violent manner. Knowing the origins of narcissism It is important to design interventions that help reduce or prevent its development.
This study aims to demonstrate that narcissism in children is cultivated by overvaluation of parents who believe their children are more special and have more rights than others. On the contrary, the warmness of parents helps to cultivate a high Self esteem in children when they show for their children affection and appreciation.
The results of this study show that narcissism is partly rooted in the early socialization experiences, and suggest that parent training interventions may help reduce narcissistic development and decrease its costs to society.
Beyond the labels, it is important to clearly distinguish: healthy self-esteem It involves feeling valid without comparing yourself, accepting mistakes and limits, and respecting others; narcissism It relies on constant comparison, the need to stand out and the lack of empathyThis difference is crucial because it determines how they relate children with their environment and how they manage frustrations and criticism.
Study development
The team recruited 565 children in the Netherlands and their parents. The children ranged in age from 7 to 11 years old at the start of the study. Participants completed standardized surveys four times during the course of the study, with a 6-month interval between each survey. In the surveys, parents were asked to rate on a scale how much they agreed with statements related to their child, such as, "My child is a great role model for other children."
Both children and parents were asked about the emotional heat that parents showed. Parents were asked to rate statements such as "I let my child know I love him/her." Children were asked to rate statements such as "My parent lets me know they love me."
The researchers were interested in distinguishing the narcissism of the Self esteem among the participants, and to do so they carried out measurements in the children of both qualities.
«People with high self-esteem think they are so good like everyone else, while narcissists think they are better than others., said Brad Bushman, a co-author of the study and a professor of communication and psychology at Ohio State University.
In the study, children with high self-esteem They agreed with statements that suggested they were happy with themselves and liked the type of person they were, without claiming that they were more special than others.
Professor Bushman and his colleagues found that children who were described by their parents in surveys as “more special than other children” and “deserving of more in life” achieved better results. better results on narcissism tests.
"Children believe their parents when they tell them they are more special than others. That it can't be good for them or for society", says Professor Bushman.
Now, as colleagues in the clinical and educational fields have pointed out, it is worth remembering that psychological phenomena rarely respond to a single cause. The use of questionnaires adds value, but it is useful to complement it with observation in the game, analysis of family interactions and the school context, to capture the complexity of development. Even so, the central pattern that emerges is consistent: warm affection and realistic expectations foster self-esteem; idealization and unjustified privileges fuel narcissism.
Parents overvalue their children to increase their self-esteem.
The lead author, Eddie Brummelman, a researcher at the University of Amsterdam, suggests that parents may overvalue their children in an attempt to boost their self-esteem, but "Instead of increasing self-esteem, overvaluing can inadvertently raise levels of narcissism."
Moreover, parental overvaluation was not associated in the study with higher levels of self-esteem in children. However, there was a correlation between parents who showed emotional warmth and children who showed higher self-esteem over time. Furthermore, the study found no association between parental warmth and narcissism.
Interestingly, Professor Bushman says that as a father of three, has changed her parenting style as a result of your investigation. "When I started doing this research, I used to think my children should be treated as if they were extra-special. I'm careful not to do that now. It's important to express warmth to your children because it can promote self-esteem, but overvaluing them can promote greater narcissism.".
The authors believe that their results support the idea that parent training interventions They can teach them to express affection toward their children without telling them that they are superior to other children. "Future studies should test whether this can work.", concludes Brummelman.
Key differences between childhood self-esteem and narcissism
Child with self-esteem: values himself without believing himself to be better than anyone else, accepts limits and learns from mistakes. Recognizes strengths and also areas for improvement, and enjoys cooperating with others.
Child with narcissistic traits: considers himself superior, constantly compares himself, needs external validation and seeks to stand out above others. He has a low tolerance for frustration and can react with hostility in the face of criticism or setbacks.
This distinction avoids common misunderstandings: feeling competent and worthy does not imply being egocentric; narcissism, on the other hand, usually masks insecurity and fear of failure.
Signs and consequences of narcissistic traits in childhood
- Selective disobedience and challenge rules when they don't fit his desire.
- Disproportionate anger if they don't get what they want; low tolerance for frustration.
- Need to be the center of attention and compete for it constantly.
- Lack of gratitude and a tendency to demand as if they deserved everything.
- outsourcing of responsibility: the blame is always on others or on circumstances.
These signs may appear from the 7 years, when children begin to compare themselves with their peers. If they become established, they increase the risk of relational conflicts, bullying others, aggressiveness, school adjustment problems and a greater likelihood of anxiety or depressionVarious investigations also link narcissistic traits with greater propensity for violence in adolescence, especially when the young person feels questioned or not admired.
Causes and parenting styles that promote narcissism
The development of narcissism is multifactorial: Individual predispositions and the environment influence this. Psychosocial factors include:
- Overvaluation continuous: messages of general superiority ("you are better than others") and unjustified privileges.
- Overprotection: Preventing the child from experiencing natural consequences limits his learning responsibility.
- Authoritarianism rigid or, at the opposite extreme, permissiveness without clear limits.
- Abuse or ignore emotional needs: some children compensate for the lack of affection with a shell of superiority.
- Cultural contexts that exalt the easy success, the image and the constant comparison.
In contrast, familiar climates with warm affection, consistent limits and realistic expectations help the child build a balanced self-image and respectful of others.
How to boost self-esteem without fostering narcissism
- Avoid absolutizing Messages like "you are unique" or "there is no one like you." If you use them, limit them to the connection: "you are very special to me" and prioritize the unconditional affection ("I love you just the way you are").
- Set clear limits and say "no" when necessary. Tolerable frustration teaches self-control and respect.
- Do not compare with other children. Each has different rhythms and talents; comparisons fuel the toxic competition.
- Praise the effort and the process more than the outcome. Reinforcing how he tried, cooperated, and persevered builds growth mentality.
- Assign responsibilities appropriate for age. Collaboration in tasks encourages autonomy and sense of contribution.
- Model empathy and humility: Be an example of asking for forgiveness, listening and recognizing limits. The adult model is a silent master.
- Allows consequences of the acts. Avoid lying about them or justifying transgressions; impunity blocks the self-criticism.
- Practice the binomial Affection with limits and supportive guidance: loving presence, stable standards, and motivation to improve without demands of others. perfection.
An additional key point: express yourself frequently I love you and shows genuine interest in their inner world. Clear and consistent affection is the ground where the healthy self esteem.
Adolescence: a sensitive period for self-esteem
Adolescence brings physical and emotional changes intense, increased sensitivity to other people's opinions, and constant comparisons. It's common to experience fluctuations in self-esteem: tantrums, withdrawal, irritability, sadness or striking behaviors. Some adolescents somatize with headaches or stomach aches without medical cause. Support without minimizing, validate their emotions and maintain realistic expectations on performance.
Reinforce that making mistakes is part of learning and that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. When insecurities become persistent and block your daily life, it's worth considering professional orientation.
When to seek professional help
Consult with child or adolescent psychology if you observe repeated behaviors of aggressiveness, disregard for rules, inability to accept "no", marked social isolation, signs of anxiety or depression or frequent somatizations. Intervene between the 7 and 12 years can facilitate lasting changes; in adolescence there is also room if the work is done self knowledge, empathy and social skills.
Helpful therapies include family intervention (to align boundaries and messages), individual psychotherapy focused on emotional regulation and peer group to practice empathy and cooperation.
Comments
Feel better than the others It distances people from happiness. Narcissism can even become a pathology.
Educating in self-esteem involves much more than the fact that the child feels valued. The child, in addition to knowing his strengths, you also have to learn what yours are weaknesses and how to overcome them. The child has to learn that he can improve, and he has to learn the courage to put himself realistic goals and feel the pleasure of achieving them.
From a broader perspective, classical and contemporary authors have highlighted that the Self esteem It acts as a psychological buffer against existential anxiety and social pressures. When it settles in real achievements, warm bonds and prosocial values, promotes cooperation, humility and respect; when simulated through empty praise and constant comparisons, can lead to aggression, envy and need for admiration.
In everyday life, the best antidote to grandiosity is a combination of genuine affection, consistent boundaries, and a focus on effort and learning. Say I love you, teaching to put yourself in the other's shoes, tolerating frustration without dramatizing and avoiding unjustified privileges are pillars that protect the mental health children and adolescents.
Stick to the essentials: warmth yes, overvaluation noSelf-esteem is built on relationships that recognize each child's worth without attributing superiority. Parents can be guides who inspire confidence, responsibility and empathy, helping their children grow up confident, resilient, and connected to others.