There is no pain more devastating than that caused by the death of a child. Everyone is aware of this and understands the parents' pain in the face of loss. However, when we talk about the death of a baby during pregnancy, childbirth or postpartum, it tends to be minimized and downplayed, trying to get the parents back to normal life as soon as possible.
After the loss of a loved one, we went through a psychological process of adaptation known as grief. We speak of gestational grief, when death occurs during the first and second trimesters of pregnancy. If death occurs in the third trimester, during childbirth or in the following seven days, we speak of perinatal grief.
Gestational grief, a misunderstood grief
The normal thing about the loss of a loved one is that the family receives support and understanding. Sadness, crying and memory are considered valid. However, both gestational and perinatal grief are usually griefs that parents face alone, especially if the loss occurs during the first weeks of pregnancy. The death of a baby seems to be a taboo topic that nobody wants to talk about. Something to forget and turn the page.
But for mothers and fathers dealing with the pain of loss, it is not easy. They do not care if their baby is only a few days, weeks or months old. Because, from the moment they saw the positive of their pregnancy or even before, they already began to feel like mothers and fathers of that baby, projecting their illusions and hopes on him. Because a son is always a son and his death, regardless of age and size, is a devastating experience.
No one is prepared to receive death when what is expected is life. When suddenly all the happiness and expectations for the future are cut short and give way to excessive pain. A pain that few mothers and fathers dare to share for fear of feeling misunderstood in an environment that encourages them to make a clean slate.
Mother, not only must he face the death of his son, but also his pain is not validated, He is made to see that he is not normal and that he has to go on with his life as if nothing had happened. For parents, it doesn't get much easier. If in the case of women, the pain is trivialized, in the case of men who have not undergone the process in their own flesh, their sadness is even less validated.
Families who go through a gestational or perinatal loss do not only suffer for the baby that they did not get to know. They suffer because their son, whose memory will remain indelible in their hearts, does not exist for the rest of the world. Because, when what the body asks of them is to cry, scream or be angry with the human and the divine, they are seen as strange creatures. Because when they find the courage to talk about their pain, most people change the subject or downplay it.
For all the above, mothers and fathers who lose their babies have to go through an invisible mourning for society. A denied grief that, in addition to making them feel misunderstood, can make them feel guilty for not feeling well emotionally. They cannot understand why, if everyone considers what has happened to them as something unimportant, they are so bad and unable to overcome it.
How can family and friends help parents with the loss of their baby?
Understanding the stages of grief.
The duel is a natural process, necessary to accept the loss and return to normal life. Its duration is variable and also the way in which each person experiences it. It comprises a series of feelings, although these are not always given in their entirety or in the same order.
Negation: Some people, upon hearing the news of the death or future death of their baby, go into shock and They act as if what they are hearing is not true. It is a defense mechanism to cope with the pain caused by such a traumatic event.
Rage or feelings of anger not understanding the reason for the loss: It is a stage in which culprits or causes of the baby's death are usually sought. It is normal to be angry with healthcare personnel, with family members, with your baby and even with yourself.
Negotiation: At this stage, it is about coming to terms with oneself, with the environment or with "higher powers" to try to find a solution to what happened. Although rationally it is known that it is impossible.
Sadness: At this time, the parents begin to be aware of reality depressive symptoms or anxiety may appear. It is a temporary stage, necessary for the subsequent acceptance of the loss.
Acceptance: It is accepted that the loss is irreversible. The reality is seen from another perspective that, although it does not bring happiness, it does bring a feeling of peace. The tranquility of this stage offers the possibility of resuming one's life despite the absence.
Acknowledging and validating your feelings.
It is essential that family, friends and professionals who accompany the couple during the loss, allow them express your emotions, without downplaying your feelings nor trivialize the situation. Bereaved parents should never be encouraged to avoid these emotions, since we would be denying their pain and preventing them from developing a natural and healthy grief.
Listening to what they have to tell us.
Without interruptions, without saying phrases that minimize the importance of what is happening to them.
Being empathetic and understanding.
It is difficult to feel even a fraction of the pain felt by parents who have lost their child, but we can try put ourselves in their shoes and think about how we would feel about that situation. In this way we can understand how they feel and accompany them better.
Avoiding unfortunate phrases.
Comments such as "don't worry, you are still very young", "you can have more children", "you were very little, I was not yet formed", "better now than later", hurt in the depths of the soul of a couple who have suffered a loss and do nothing but minimizing a situation for them is tremendously painful.
Accompanying.
Sometimes it is not necessary to say anything, the simple presence and letting parents know that we are there for whatever they need is worth a thousand words. We can offer them a shoulder to cry on, listen to, or hold on to emotionally. We can also perform tasks that help make day-to-day more bearable such as cooking, shopping, cleaning, etc.
How can healthcare professionals help?
Allowing them some time alone.
It is very likely that, upon receiving the news, the parents are in a state of shock. So instead of overwhelming them with procedures and technical information. the ideal would be leave them some time alone so they can assimilate and understand what is happening to them.
Offering reliable information and in simple terms.
Staff should inform the couple about the different possible procedures according to each specific situation, (expectant management, curettage, induction, etc). In addition, it is also important that the parents receive information about the different options in the management of the milk rise if the case arises.
Allowing them to take their time.
It is not necessary for the couple to make decisions right away. In most cases, this is not an emergency situation and decisions can wait until parents are ready to take them.
Allowing parents to be accompanied
At a time as traumatic as the death of a baby, the be accompanied by someone you trust throughout the process, can be of great help to parents.
Avoiding taking parents to the maternity area.
For a mother and father dealing with the loss of a child, reaching an area where all families have their babies, while their arms are empty, can be heartbreaking. It is necessary to favor that after a loss, the couple enters an area other than the maternity area and, if possible, in a single room where they can enjoy tranquility and privacy.
Making it easier for parents to see and say goodbye to their baby.
Being able to put a face on your child and materialize his existence favors the elaboration of the mourning on the part of the parents. Therefore, it is essential that the health center put all the means for mother and father to see and say goodbye to their child if they wish.
Avoiding derogatory names.
Always avoid using names such as fetus, waste or biological waste. Let's not forget that we are talking about the deceased son of parents broken by grief. If the baby has a name, it may be a good idea to use it. It will provide parents with a feeling of closeness and respect for their child.
Encouraging studies that can determine the cause of the loss.
There may be no medical reason, but it will be important for parents to rule out the different reasons that may have led to the loss. Faced with such a painful event, many families need know the reason for the death of your baby.
For parents, the loss of their baby is a hard time that will remain forever in their memory. After receiving the news of the death of their baby, months or years of grief await them in which there will be ups and downs and relapses. The support of the environment and other parents who have gone through the same are essential. It is important that parents take care of and pamper themselves. Going for a walk, doing enjoyable activities, and listening to your own body can help make the process more bearable. Also, the performance of rituals, farewell letters, memory boxes, photo albums are activities that help process the loss. Over time and, Although at first it seems impossible, there will come a day when they find peace and can smile again.