It is a great challenge for a person (male or female) to deal with the miscarriage of their partner. Although it is true that mixed feelings can be felt, the couple will also have to go through physical and emotional challenges when dealing with a miscarriage… Parents also feel the loss, but a woman who suffers it in her flesh suffers it most.
Miscarriage
A miscarriage is a spontaneous termination of a pregnancy, affects 25% of pregnant women and usually occurs early in pregnancy between 4 and 6 weeks of pregnancy, although it can also occur before the 13th week of pregnancy. The chances of a miscarriage are higher in the first pregnancies than in the later ones.
Miscarriages occur for a wide variety of reasons. About half are due to abnormalities in the fetus or placenta, including chromosomal problems. Sometimes the egg attaches itself in the wrong place, resulting in early miscarriage. Most of the time, miscarriage happens without the woman being able to do anything to prevent it.
But a miscarriage affects both physically and emotionally the woman, and therefore, if it is not treated well, it can affect the couple as well.
Common Effects of a Miscarriage
A miscarriage can affect a woman in different ways, the most common of which are:
- Physical effects. It will cause heavy vaginal bleeding with large clots. The breasts can become enlarged and more tender. Hormones will also cause unpredictable emotional and physical reactions that will only make the feeling of loss more difficult.
- Emotional effects. There may be emotional problems for both the woman and the one who was to be the father. Dreams of having a baby are shattered and both may feel insecure about a new pregnancy in the future for fear of risking another loss and more physical and emotional suffering. They may feel guilty or have feelings of failure ... they may even feel depressed about what happened.
- Spiritual effects. For people who have religious beliefs, a miscarriage can cause their faith to be questioned. Although they can also turn to prayer and faith to reconcile with their pain.
- Effects on the couple relationship. The couple will need emotional support causing some stress in the relationship. It is easy to point the finger to blame the other and try to mitigate your own pain. Minor irritations and stresses can increase. You may even feel like you're heading for a breakup.
How Men Are Affected By Miscarriage
Parents who miscarry their partners may also feel great pain because their hopes and dreams of having a baby with their partner are destroyed by the abortion. Often a dad's dreams of children are as real and meaningful as a mother's.
The typical male attitude to crisis is to try to fix things. But a miscarriage cannot be fixed in any way. Only time can heal the scar left by pregnancy loss. In that sense, a parent will feel helpless and hopeless to address their own feelings and the sadness that their partner experiences.
Tips for men dealing with miscarriage pain
Both parts of the couple will experience the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). This same sequence is not always followed and each of the parties can have a variable time, which will result in both of them being in different places in the emotional stage of grief. So, men should also have the freedom to experience pain in their own way.
What to say and what NOT to say. Many women who go through a miscarriage tell their partners not to comfort them with "we can have another" messages. For a mother who has lost her child, that baby was unique and special. Having more children will not eliminate the feeling of loss. Talking about other pregnancies can be the male way of trying to fix it. What a woman needs is an attentive ear, kindness, and a guarantee of love for her. This type of attitude will help you deal more effectively with your loss.
Speak what you feel or write it down. Men generally do not talk to other men about their feelings, even in the case of a miscarriage of their partners. It's just not their way of grieving. But some men have experienced some peace and healing by writing down some of these feelings and "bringing them to life" on paper. That can be very therapeutic for a grieving man. Finding a support group or therapist is also good.
Support your partner. Your partner will often feel the loss of their baby very acutely. So take the time to sit with her, hug her, listen to her and let her express herself. If you need it, do it with her too. Just having each other and supporting each other in pain, it will really help you process the experience.
Keep busy. Men often turn to a project to help ease feelings of grief and loss. It is not a bad way to deal with everything that happens around you. Being busy (but not too busy to support your partner) will help you over time and point you in a positive direction. One project to consider is a keepsake project for the lost baby, such as planting a tree or making something that will be their tangible memorial. Even take an action like dropping a helium balloon, Lighting a birthday candle on the baby's due date or donating to a charity can help you overcome the pain.
Don't be in a hurry. A good day can be followed by a bad day or vice versa. You may think that you or your partner has finished crying, but other days the crying will come back with force. This is natural and they should give each other as much time as you need.