We often hear that babies, boys and girls have to learn to tolerate frustration.
But what do we mean exactly? To tolerate the frustration caused by not being able to eat another ice cream, for example? Or tolerate the frustration caused by the refusal to be held after walking down the street?
Frustration can be caused by an unfulfilled wish or an unmet need. There is a lot of confusion when it comes to this topic because, as a general rule, there is no difference between one type of need or another.
What are these needs?
Babies and children have primary needs and secondary needs. The first, primary needs are innate. They are related to well-being, to survival. They are the most basic needs: food, hygiene, sleep ... but just as basic are the emotional needs, the need to feel loved, safe, the need to play, to explore ...
Secondary needs, on the other hand, are not innate but are created by the society in which we live: Consuming television, sweets, objects ... is not essential to live even if our culture says yes.
Not responding, frustrating the most basic needs will not have the same consequences as frustrating the needs created by society.
Thus, frustrating the need for contact, for affection, to be understood ... generates suffering in the baby or child. In addition, we must bear in mind that the quality of the relationship between the adult and the child depends on the response that the adult gives to the child's needs. Not meeting these basic needs negatively affects the formation of the affective bond.
In contrast, the consequences of frustrating the needs created by society are not so dire. This does not mean that we can do it in any way. As in the rest of aspects related to parenting, the way of doing or saying things is decisive. Our little girl needs us to be empathetic and understanding of her frustration. She needs to feel accompanied, she needs us to welcome her emotion, whatever it may be, and to offer her comfort.
Basic needs should not be frustrated or limited in any way. Instead, secondary needs offer a great opportunity to negotiate, always depending on age.