Children must learn limits and that their actions have consequences. That is why parents, faced with disobedient behavior or a bad action, use punishment as a way to educate their children. But if it is done in the wrong way, it can be more counterproductive than beneficial. Find out how punish in an educational way.
Not all punishments are good, some have negative consequences both in the short and long term. Knowing it will also make us more aware of our actions as educators.
How not to punish children
- Physical punishment. Fortunately, over the years, practices that were previously common in the education of children have been prohibited. ANDPhysical punishment in addition to being illegal is totally negative. Children learn what they are taught, and They will learn that when someone does something they don't like to fix it with force.
- Disproportionate punishment. The best thing is to put proportional, concrete and limited consequences in time.
- Punishment of comings and goings. If you are putting and lifting the punishment, do not be surprised that you lose credibility.
- Verbal punishment. Name calling is as harmful to children as a slap or more. Disqualifications towards your person can be planted as seeds that will grow and drag you into adult life. "You're stupid" or "you're bad" can mark a child forever.
- Punish late. The punishment must be on the spot for it to take effect. The consequences must be immediate.
- Privative punishment. It is the most common. Leaving the child without watching TV, without going out, without a toy ... is not usually very effective since the child can replace it with something else that entertains him.
Side effects of punishment
If we use punishment (verbal or physical) in a habitual and excessive way, we expose ourselves to having negative side effects on the child both in the short and long term:
- Victim. They can get used to the punishments and assume them without questioning anything. You may have problems with self-esteem, anxiety, and stress. Obey out of fear.
- Aggressiveness. He has learned that to get something from others you have to yell, punish or hit. How do you think they will behave when they grow up? Well, exactly the same. You will adapt those patterns of your parents to relate to others.
- Weak bond with his parents. If education is based on fear, the parent-child relationship will be based on mistrust and resentment.
- Loss of intrinsic motivation. As we have seen in other articles, intrinsic motivation is the strongest there is. It is the inner motivation that each of us has to do certain things. If we punish frequently, we enter the dangerous zone of getting children to do things alone out of fear of the consequences but not of their own free will.
How to educate in the application of consequences
The punishment must be seen not as a way to make the child feel bad but as a application of consequences. For it to be educational, children must understand the why and the consequences of their behaviors. They must promote learning, and must be intended to have an educational consequence.
It should be understood more as an agreement or deal: if a certain positive goal is achieved, it is rewarded and if inappropriate behaviors are carried out, something positive is removed.
- It must be proportionate, immediate and consistent. It has to be proportionate to the misconduct, be applied immediately, and related to action. For example, if a teenager fails an exam, he must study 2 hours a day. It is related, it is consistent and it is immediate.
- Consensual. They will be educational if they have previously spoken with children or adolescents, this way they will become more responsible for their actions.
- Non-material things. The best thing is that they are not material things that you can substitute for others. It will always be best to try actions that cost them something (get up early, study x hours a day, ...).
- Must always be fulfilled. Otherwise its educational function will be worthless. That is why they must be proportional, if they are very demanding we will be tempted to lift it.
- Apply them calmly. If you are too angry take a few deep breaths and think. At the moment we can impose a punishment that is too exaggerated that later we will want to soften and our efforts will be useless.
In our educational role we must have patience. Children do not come with an instruction manual and we bring a backpack with many experiences with our parents that may not be the best. We also have to learn.
Why remember ... educate yourself more and better from love than from fear.