I promise you I didn't know how to start looking for images for this post about support for childhood sexualityChildren kissing? Naked children? Oh no, not naked! Not naked, because as we saw here the beauty of the body is prohibited in our society, even though we tolerate the hypersexualization of children and we don't give a damn that 9 or 10 year old children are watching pornography.
And yes: 9 or 10 years old, and older of course, but the impact on the construction of sexuality is not the same at one age or another. Parents who are alarmed when they see their son touching his genitals and then utter exclamations of joy when they turn on the television and see 'object women' walking around with very little clothing; they will be the least (I hope), but that is one of the hypocrisies that is lived today. So look, worse or better this article is accompanied by some images, and an intention: make visible that child sexuality exists (I paraphrase the psychologist Laura Perales), and also invite you to accompany the growth of the little ones, to promote as much as possible that their present and future experiences are healthy.
What do we understand by childhood sexuality and why is it necessary?
Winnicott was a pediatrician and psychoanalyst who understood the mother/infant relationship as an indissoluble unit; there is a phrase of his that I like very much: "The basis for adolescent and adult sexuality is established in childhood"This idea is reinforced today from many perspectives: sexuality does not suddenly appear in adolescence, but is built from birth through sensations, bonds, limits, and messages.
Childhood is a stage marked by the curiosity, exploration and discoveryThrough play and observation, children learn about their own bodies and those of others. In this process, children's sexual behavior serves several fundamental functions:
- Favors the knowledge of one's own body and that of others, discovering similarities and differences.
- Allows repetition of behaviors that generate feelings of pleasure and well-being (for example, touching or caressing).
- Includes the imitation of behaviors observed in other children and in adults in the environment.
- It helps to keep giving giving meaning to experiences: experiences, feelings and sensations.
Children discover that touching their bodies gives them pleasure, they become aware that they belong to a certain sex, and they gradually incorporate gender roles and behaviors and they tend to imitate what they see. This is where the family plays a key role: if, as mothers or fathers, we want them to experience a healthy sexuality, we need to understand that Childhood sexuality is not equivalent to adult sexualityTheir motivations are not erotic in the adult sense, but exploratory, sensory, and related to identity construction.
The family is a very important social group in the transmission of roles, values and boundariesand has the power to influence and counteract (depending on age, of course) the large amount of erotic stimuli that girls and boys receive from an early age, which can do more harm than good when they are not accompanied.
For example, although it deserves a separate post: the sexist advertising It can become very violent and influence not only girls' acceptance of their own bodies, but on the vision that children develop of womenFamily isn't everything, but if we're very present, we can help a lot in filtering, naming, and questioning those messages.
Sexuality: a basic dimension for child development
As Laura Perales states in the link above, the cultural and moral influence that we carry with us It's portraying sex as something dirty that can't be discussed. This perspective clashes with a society that simultaneously displays bodies, pornography, and sexualized content everywhere, creating a huge inconsistency for children.
Thus, we often fail to answer children's questions, we develop prejudices, we create taboos, and we limit ourselves to issuing warnings when they are already teenagers: "use a condom," "be careful." As if sexuality didn't also include pleasure, affections, emotions, desires, doubts and vulnerabilityIn addition, it is often the case that we hide our naked bodies to our children, and instead of naming the genitals as penis or vagina, we reproduce absurd words that only increase the confusion.
Sexuality, like all human capacities, develops Step by Step and needs an environment of affection, respect and securitySuch an environment makes it easier for the child to:
- Know and value your body shameless.
- Understand the intimacy and modesty in a healthy way, without fear.
- To make sense of what one feels and experiences, including the bodily pleasure.
- Learn to ask for help when something makes him uncomfortable or scared.
How to promote healthy sexual experiences within the family
No one can guarantee that in the future they will fully enjoy their sexuality, make good decisions, not allow abuse, or know how to refuse or negotiate the use of condoms. But from the everyday family education We can do so much. In fact, evidence shows that good sex education does not advance the age of onset of sexual relations, but rather promotes more conscious and safe decisions.
To begin with, we should understand the search for bodily pleasure and to accept naturally that girls and boys explore and touch their genitals, and sometimes those of their siblings or friends in games with peers. These types of behaviors, for the most part, are part of healthy sexual developmentespecially when they occur:
- Between girls and boys who know each other.
- From same age and approximate height.
- Infrequently, without obsession.
- By voluntary and playful, without threat or coercion.
These behaviors are usually easy to redirect calmly When necessary, explaining boundaries of intimacy and respect, without reproaches or punishments that generate guilt. Because the attitudes of reproach or punishment When a child shows curiosity or a desire to reproduce pleasurable sensations, it can have a very negative influence on their psychosexual development.
And to continue, we will answer all your questions with the utmost care. naturalness and honesty Possible. We will tell the truth adapted to their age: It's preferable to say that something makes you feel embarrassed.Or that you prefer to talk about it another day, rather than offer a false or magical answer that does not fit with what the child sees or feels.
I'm talking mainly about young children, because from the age of 9 onwards it's likely that Ask fewer direct questionsAnd perhaps you should devise other ways to approach her: discuss something you've seen on TV, take advantage of a news story, talk while you're in the car… The goal is to remain available, not waiting for a “great sex talk”, but building a conversation that lasts for years.
Infantile genital phase and self-exploration
Joan Vilchez, psychologist at the Spanish School of Reichian Therapy, talks about genital autoerotics as a form of basic regulation, and points out that genitality implicitly includes excitement and desireAnd that this doesn't only happen from adolescence onwards. genital self-examination which usually appears between the ages of 3 and 7 is part of that regulation: the child discovers that touching certain areas of his body calms him, relaxes him or amuses him.
It seems that parents' response It is a determining factor in the development of self-esteem. A reaction of fright, anger, or punishment can generate shame and guilt in relation to the body and pleasure. In contrast, a serene attitude, which explains that it is something intimate done in private and without harming anyone, helps to build a healthy experience.
At this stage it is recommended satisfy curiosityIt's important to correctly name body parts, explain the difference between intimacy and secrecy, and avoid placing unnecessary limits on pleasurable exhibition play when it's between equals, spontaneous, and non-violent. At the same time, it's important to teach clear rules: "Your body is yours," "No one can force you to play a game you don't want to play," and "If something makes you uncomfortable, you can say no and tell us."
Pretending that self-exploration of the body or exploration among peers does not occur, or denying sensations such as pleasure and enjoyment Because they make us uncomfortable, it's a product of a culture heavily marked by guilt and shame associated with sexuality. We believe that if we talk little about something, that something won't exist. But it's just the opposite: Everything that is not named remains outside of conscious awareness., without words to express or integrate it.
Warning signs: when sexual behaviors may be problematic
Most childhood sexual behaviors are normal and typical of developmentBut it's important for families to also know which behaviors may require closer observation or consultation with a professional. First, learn what the healthy sexual development It helps to better distinguish what is expected and what is not.
Some behaviors that may be cause for concern, especially if they persist over time and appear with intensity, are:
- Highly compulsive masturbationthat interferes with play or daily life, or is accompanied by distress.
- Seduction behaviors towards adults or children, clearly imitating erotic behaviors of older people.
- Behaviors that seem typical of adult sexuality (simulating sexual acts, use of explicit language, highly sexualized gestures).
- Sexual interest directed at much younger childrenwith asymmetry of power or insistence.
- Excessive interest in pornography or repeated consumption of this content.
- knowledge about sexuality inappropriate for the age or a very explicit sexual language that the child could not have constructed alone.
These behaviors can have various origins. Sometimes the little ones They imitate what they have seen in the media or in adults around them, and other times they may be pointing to situations of sex abuse or repeated exposure to pornography. If these signs appear, it is advisable to seek guidance from specialized professionals who can help differentiate between childhood exploration and potentially problematic sexual behavior.
It is important to keep in mind that the fact that a child displays sexualized behaviors It does not always mean that he/she has suffered abuse.Factors such as lack of supervision, inadequate adult role models, emotional difficulties, or a lack of clear boundaries can contribute. Therefore, it's best to address it without guilt, but with seriousness, seeking help when needed.
Sexuality, communication and abuse prevention
I am clear that our previous experiences condition us a lot (for example, nobody prepared me for menarche), but also that we can try. And remember that always the naturalness and listening in front.
Let's not forget that the freedom to ask, knowledge of the body without taboos and the awareness of personal limits (one is the one who derives pleasure and authorizes others to touch them or not) can act as a powerful prevention of child sexual abuseDuring childhood it is very important to learn to recognize:
- What situations generate discomfort, shame, pain, or fear.
- The difference between a good secret (a gift, a surprise) and a bad secret (something that hurts or confuses).
- That they can always ask for help from a trusted person when they don't like something.
When a child can identify and associate their unpleasant emotions with a situation being dangerous or harmful, they will have more resources to Set boundaries and seek supportIf sexuality is never discussed at home, if everything is experienced with nervousness, if what happens is avoided, the implicit message is: "this is not something to talk about," "if something happens to me in this area, it's better to keep quiet."
Sexuality education is not about anticipating something the child is not yet aware of, nor is it about giving a single informational talk. Sexuality education means experiencing it naturally....as an inseparable part of our being. We are sexual beings from birth; it is not something external or something to be avoided, but rather another dimension of our physical and emotional health.
Therefore, in family life, it is very valuable that:
- The little ones can name all the parts of the bodyincluding penis, vulva, testicles, breasts, with the same tranquility.
- Self-exploration should not be experienced as something bad, but as something that is done in contexts of intimacy and care.
- El naked at home Let it not be a drama, but a natural reality, with respect for the comfort of each family member.
- One can speak openly about menstruation, ejaculation, and bodily changes according to the child's age and interest.
When we look the other way in the accompaniment of affective-sexual development We leave children unprotected from valuable information needed to integrate their bodies, sensations, and emotions. Not talking about it also "educates" them about sexuality, but in a way based on... fear, silence, and prejudiceEverything we say about the body, sexual orientation, clothes, "boys'" or "girls'" toys, how to divide household chores... all of that is educating about sexuality.
I understand that our taboos and past experiences weigh heavily, but I also know that it's possible to start a conscious personal workWe need to ask ourselves what inherited ideas we carry within us, what makes us uncomfortable, what we are ashamed of, and what we need to learn. The more we can examine our own history, the better we can guide our children through theirs.
Let's talk, let's put words to it, let's offer tools for them to express what they feel and thinkso they can tell us even about uncomfortable situations they've experienced. Only in this way will we build a family environment where they can feel free and, at the same time, protected in their sexuality, in the midst of a society that bombards them with information and images that are often inappropriate and far removed from healthy, respectful, and consensual sexuality.
_John_Singer_Sargent,1879.jpg "childhood and body")
The way we answer their questions today, accompany their games, and name their bodies is laying the foundation for how they will experience desire, affection, consent, and respect when they are teenagers and adults; every daily gesture counts, and we have a huge opportunity to transform the legacy of silence into a childhood sexuality lived with confidence, dignity, and care.