Data on separations, annulments, and divorces show that this is a increasingly common family reality in many countries. A high percentage of these marriages have children, so we cannot talk about divorce only as a legal procedure or a couple's decision: It is a process that directly impacts the lives of children.
Various sources agree that a significant percentage of marriages end in separation or divorce. Although this figure varies by country, it is approximately around a third of the couplesA high figure, although in some places it remains lower than in others, such as the United States. In any case, these are numbers that compel us to reflect calmly on how do these processes affect the childrenespecially when it comes to long, contentious, or poorly managed breakups.
It is important to distinguish that, although many adults experience personal improvements and greater well-being After ending a failed relationship, for children the experience can be a profound and destabilizing loss if their emotions are not taken care of, if they are not kept informed, or if they are placed in the middle of the conflict.
Children draw about divorce: what they feel when their family breaks up
Various studies and reports have compiled drawings made by children whose parents are separating or have already separated. In many of these cases, it's clear that the children feel helpless, divided, and confused: the house appears split in two, the parents separated from each other, the child in the middle or even crossed out.
These visual representations reflect that children perceive their lives as “split in two”with an identity divided between two homes, two sets of rules, and sometimes two sides. However, the way they experience this situation depends not only on the divorce itself, but also on the factors that accompany the process: the level of conflict, the quality of communication, economic stability, the parents' ability to cooperate, etc.
Psychological research indicates that divorce is not necessarily, in itself, the cause of a psychological disorder, but it does increases vulnerability of children if several risk factors are combined. Studies such as the one published by Vangyseghem and Appelboom and other more recent works on contentious divorces and their consequences for children They point out that the context and the form of separation are determining factors.
Destabilizing factors in parental separation
When a couple with children separates, it's not just the marital status of the adults that changes: a cascade of changes in children's daily livesSome factors that can be particularly destabilizing are:
- Parental estrangementOne of the parents may move away and contact may be reduced, which generates feelings of loss and abandonment in the child.
- Frequent and endless fightsConstant arguments, shouting, or recriminations in front of the children keep the family in a state of disarray. prolonged traumatic situation.
- Loss of purchasing power and abrupt changes in the standard of living: fewer activities, forced moves, giving up habits and resources that were part of their daily lives.
- Changes of residence and schoolSeparation from their social environment, friends, and teachers, which can increase feelings of insecurity.
- Forced cohabitation with only one parent and lack of regular interaction with the other person, which can be experienced as a significant emotional loss.
- New partners of the parents who integrate too quickly or chaotically into the family dynamic, generating jealousy, confusion, or loyalty conflicts.
All these elements can favor the appearance of problems relating to peersdifficulties trusting, behavioral conflicts, decline in academic performance and anxious or depressive symptoms. The research also indicates an increased risk of physical or mental health problems when the separation process is experienced in a climate of violence, insults or constant humiliation.
However, it is worth emphasizing that Divorce is not synonymous with emotional failure for childrenMany children adapt well when adults manage the process with respect, clear communication, and cooperation. Even in contexts where there was domestic violence or a climate of permanent tensionSome children may feel relief when separation ends the abuse. In these cases, it is crucial to receive support. specialized professional support to process the trauma.
Emotional reactions according to the age of the children
preschool children
In the preschool stage, young children do not yet have elaborate abstract thinking, so They don't fully understand what divorce means.but they do perceive the changes and emotional tension of their role models.
It is common to observe regressive behaviors (which can also appear at other times during development, even if there is no divorce):
- Reappearance of the nocturnal enuresis (to wet the bed again).
- Need for them help with eating or dressing like when they were younger.
- complaints of diffuse physical pains (belly, head) without a clear medical cause.
- Disturbed sleepnightmares, frequent awakenings.
- Greater introversion or withdrawal in social situations.
The little ones can feel guiltyAnd that's very dangerous; the fear of abandonment appears.
Many young children interpret a parent's departure or arguments as a sign that they have done something wrong. This feeling of guilt and the fear of being abandoned by both can accompany them if one does not speak clearly, it is repeated that They are not responsible for the separation and a stable and affectionate presence of both parental figures is maintained whenever possible.
Between the ages of 6/7 and the end of Primary Education
Experts agree that this is the stage of greater vulnerability.
From the age of 6 or 7, children better understand what a divorce means, but They still lack emotional resources to manage all the emotional baggage that comes with it. At this stage, the following may appear:
- Attempts at manipulation or emotional blackmail with the goal of getting the parents back together.
- Intense feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, or confusion that mix and alternate over time.
- Decreased self-esteemwith thoughts like "I'm worthless" or "if I were a better son, they wouldn't have separated."
- Aggressive behaviors at home or at school, or, on the contrary, excessive withdrawal.
- Lower academic performance, absentmindedness, lack of concentration and a drop in grades, as a sign that the child is overwhelmed by what he is experiencing.
- Loyalty conflicts (“If I love Dad, I betray Mom,” or vice versa).
This age is especially delicate because the child already understands that separation is real and lasting, but still needs a lot of support. emotional security and clear structuresIt is crucial that adults do not use him as a messenger, do not ask him to choose sides, and ensure they maintain stable routines that give them a sense of control.
Teens
In addition to the many hormonal, neurological, and social changes typical of adolescence, there is the separation of their parents. This coincides with the process of to build one's own identity and begin to define what their future emotional relationships will be like.
They also suffer from fear to loneliness And in addition to abandonment, thoughts arise that make them doubt their ability to commit to life with other people.
Various reactions can occur at this stage:
- Intense sadnessapathy or depressive symptoms.
- Rebellion, chronic anger and questioning of norms and limits.
- Shame, resentment or the feeling of being “different” from their friends.
- Concentration difficulties and a decline in school performance.
- self esteem issues and doubts about the possibility of maintaining healthy and lasting relationships.
- Risk behaviors (alcohol or drug use, bad company, risky sexual behavior) as a form of escape.
However, if they are allowed express their feelings and opinionsBy participating in certain decisions that affect them and feeling heard, they can develop improved problem-solving skills and learn healthier relationship models than those they saw in their parents' couple.
Collaborative divorce vs. destructive divorce
The consequences of divorce on children depend largely on whether the process unfolds in a collaborative or destructiveThe Belén Foundation offers a comparative table that clearly shows these differences, which we can summarize and expand upon:
- In a collaborative divorce The parents focus on the children's well-beingThey maintain mutual respect, try to reach reasonable agreements, and avoid using children as messengers or as bargaining chips.
- In a destructive divorce prevail conflict, resentment, and lack of communicationThe disputes drag on, the other parent's worth is questioned, and it can even escalate to manipulating children to reject one of their parents.
Studies on contentious divorces indicate that when interparental disputes persist for years, children become trapped in a long-term traumatic situationThis can be associated with chronic depression, emotional imbalances, problems relating to others, and, in some cases, serious difficulties in their romantic relationships in adulthood.
One particularly damaging aspect is the so-called parental alienationThis occurs when one parent distorts the image of the other to prevent or hinder the bond between the child and that parent. Several specialists consider it a form of emotional abusebecause it breaks an important emotional bond and places the child in an unsustainable position of divided loyalty.
How to reduce the impact of divorce on children
The good news is that Not everything is lostAlthough divorce is a painful process, there are many strategies that can help. minimize the suffering of the children and facilitate their adaptation. The key is that, even if the couple breaks up, the The role of mothers and fathers continues and must be protected.
Some recommendations widely supported by professionals in child psychology and child and adolescent psychiatry are:
- Maintain clear communication With children: explain the separation to them in a simple way, appropriate to their age, without going into details about the couple or blaming the other person.
- Be honest, but contain yourself emotionally.: acknowledge that it is a painful and disconcerting situation for everyone, but convey that the family can pull through.
- Reassure them that the divorce is not their fault and repeat this message as many times as necessary.
- Validate your emotionsSadness, anger, fear, confusion… These are all expected reactions; the important thing is to offer space to express them without judgment.
- Avoid fighting in front of them and not to use them as messengers, spies, or arbitrators between adults.
- Respect the relationship with the other parent: do not speak ill of the ex-partner in front of the children, do not demand that they take sides and facilitate contact as long as there is no risk to their safety.
- Maintain stable routines (sleep schedules, school, activities) to reduce the feeling of insecurity and offer them a predictable framework.
- Seek professional help If persistent signs of stress, depression, anxiety, or behavioral problems are observed that do not improve over time.
Research shows that children have fewer difficulties when they know their mother and father will continue exercising their parental role even if they no longer live together. The ability of adults to cooperate, reach agreements on custody, parenting, and boundaries, and prevent conflicts from dragging on is one of the greatest protective factors.
When addressing this topic, it becomes clear that many loose ends remain to be tied up. Therefore, it is especially helpful for parents, pediatricians, and other professionals to have access to Practical guidance on how to communicate the separation, how to arrange custody, how to deal with guilt, and how to support the children. at each evolutionary stage. It is also essential to delve deeper into the shared custody and other models of family organization from a perspective focused on the real needs of children.
When adults prioritize the well-being of their children, maintaining a respectful, cordial, and, as far as possible, positive attitude toward each other, separation ceases to be necessarily traumatic and becomes a complex but manageable changeChildren can learn that romantic love can end, but parental love and responsibility remain. It Does not Breakand that it is possible to build healthy bonds, end relationships that don't work, and move forward with healthier models of coexistence for everyone.
Via - Voz Pópuli
Image - (Cover) tonzpalmer24
Table - Belén Foundation