At what point does that bond of affection begin to form between a mother and a child? We could say without mistake that Throughout the months of gestation, that bond takes shape and substance through the umbilical cord.The union is perfect, harmonious, and functional: It transmits food, sensations, calm and securityThat biological link is the basis of what will later become a deep emotional bond that will accompany the child in his growth.
Now, let's consider, for example, the "act of being born." In many centers, birth has become a series of protocol guidelines where coming into the world can be a truly traumatic experience. The newborn is passed from one set of hands to another and, shortly after, is washed to eliminate all traces of that intimate process between mother and child. Mother and child need each other after childbirthAnd this can be the beginning—or the strengthening—of that bond that, After the umbilical cord is severed, it invites us to create another type of emotional bond Its purpose is to offer a mature, helpful, and loving attachment, thereby giving the world more secure children who can explore their environment and achieve their dreams. In "Mothers Today," we discuss this in detail and from an up-to-date perspective.
Bonding disorder and invisible bonding
When it comes to talking about bonding or even attachment, Many people maintain the idea that these concepts only serve to overprotect the child or to foster dependency. However, it is necessary to dismantle these images. Attachment, or a strong bond between a mother and child, is not about strings that bind or control our children like puppets. It is not about overprotection, but about offer a secure base so they can grow with confidence.
The bond is an invisible embrace And it is the reaffirmation that, in every step our children take, whether we are physically with them or not, They are loved, they are cherished, and we have confidence in their abilities.It is important to keep in mind that any experience that the child processes as negative, whether at birth or at any point in their childhood, represents a brain imprint and a created emotion that may prevent him from adapting to his environment effectively.
We know it is something complex and, above all, delicate, especially because a father or mother never fully understands or perceives it with complete clarity. What actions we take can negatively affect our children, causing what is known as attachment disorder?. Let's see it in detailintegrating what we know today as reactive attachment disorder and other problems of emotional attachment.
What is attachment disorder or reactive attachment disorder?
When we talk about attachment disorder in childrenWe are referring to a set of emotional and behavioral difficulties that arise when the bond between a child and their primary caregivers (usually mother and father) has not been able to develop securely. Clinical literature describes, among other things, the reactive attachment disorder (RAD), in which the child has serious difficulties in establishing a stable emotional connection with their reference figures.
In these cases, the child not only shows shyness or introversion, but may also be extremely withdrawnHe has difficulty regulating his emotions and rarely seeks comfort when distressed. When his caregivers try to calm him with hugs, caresses, or kind words, he often resists. reject or ignore these gesturesThis sustained response pattern indicates that the child has not been able to develop an internal expectation of safe care.
From a broader perspective, the attachment disorder It can also manifest itself through behaviors disruptive behavior, hyperactivity, impulsivity, aggressiveness, or emotional manipulationwhich are actually attempts - often disorganized - to check if the love and presence of adults is stable or if, on the contrary, it is going to disappear.
Early detection of attachment disorders in childhood is crucial, since attachment patterns are built during those early years. emotional foundations that will influence one's entire lifeWhen it is not identified in time, the child may suffer emotional deficiencies that translate into difficulties in trusting others, expressing emotions, and establishing stable relationships in adolescence and adulthood.
Traumatic experiences at an early age
Attachment disorder mostly originates from experiences that we can all identify with: physical or emotional abandonment, lack of affection, neglect, abuseconstant changes in caregivers or environments…
All of this generates not only serious problems in the child's emotional securityIt is known that These traumatic experiences can lead to developmental delays.as well as behavioral problems such as anger, aggression, hyperactivity, impulsivity and a strong rejection of authority or rules.
In some cases, the child may have been through institutions, foster homes, multiple adoptions, or prolonged hospitalizations, repeatedly experiencing the feeling of uprooting and lossThis history of instability erodes basic trust: the child learns that adults are not always available, that affection can disappear without explanation, and that It's not safe to depend on anyone.
It has also been observed that, even without major apparent trauma, a subtle but constant emotional deprivation (very absent, cold or excessively focused caregivers) may be enough for some highly sensitive children to develop significant attachment difficulties.
Those other experiences that mothers and fathers are not aware of (sometimes)
Many of us carry on our shoulders what we believe to be an adequate mastery of how to raise a happy child.We read books, we educate ourselves, we rely on the experience of family, friends, and even, why not, we already have a child and think that the next one "will be the same".
However, bonding disorder may appear in one of our children but not in anotherAnd the causes can be very specific and even unexpected, related to how did that particular child live? certain experiences of separation or lack of emotional response.
- Babies who need to spend some time in a incubator They experience, for example, a rupture of that early bond with the mother which, in many cases, can have consequences if it is not compensated for later with a lot of emotional presence.
- Leaving the children in nurseries from a very young age It can also be experienced as something traumatic. (It is possible that one of the brothers experienced it as something normal, but for the other it was an intense source of anguish).
- Long working hours Parental behavior can also be a source of suffering in a child's brain when combined with little quality time and little emotional contact.
- Frequent changes of caregivers, babysitters, or educational centers They can foster a sense of instability, where the child never quite knows who they can truly trust.
It is important to clarify that these circumstances They do not guarantee that an attachment disorder will appear.Many children manage to develop a secure attachment despite having gone through difficult situations, especially when they have a stable, sensitive, and available adult. However, in other cases, these experiences can become fertile ground for deeper emotional problems.
Symptoms and manifestations of attachment disorder
Now that we know that certain situations can cause a emotional and traumatic impact In some children but not others, it's important to learn to recognize how these problems manifest in everyday life. Attachment disorders, and especially reactive attachment disorder, can present themselves in different ways depending on the child's age and history.
General symptoms in childhood
- The children us they constantly testseeking our closeness and displays of affection, but at the same time rejecting them or reacting with hostility.
- They often experience many mood swingsOne moment they are affectionate, and the next they explode with fits of anger and aggression.
- They feel intense jealousy And they give us ultimatums like, "If you go to work, it's because you don't love me." These situations place a heavy emotional burden on mothers and fathers as well, and are a source of constant stress.
- It is common for children to arrive at to somatize emotional distress through headaches, digestive problems, bedwetting, or other physical symptoms without a clear medical cause.
- When these behaviors are misinterpreted as "the child is spoiled" or "he's doing it to get attention" and no help is offered, the problem can progress to early depressionwhich will gradually plunge that creature into a state where specialized professional care will be needed.
This disorder can also manifest itself in the form of extreme shyness, constant irritability, persistent sadnessLack of interest in social interaction, avoidance of physical contact, and great difficulty seeking help or showing affection. In other cases, instead of withdrawal, the child may exhibit disruptive behavior, manipulation, threats, or violence against those he loves most, as a way to test if the bond remains even in the worst moments.
Feed your children love and fears will starve.
Early signs in babies and toddlers
At very young ages, some clues They may lead us to suspect that the bond is not developing in a healthy way:
- Scarcity of smiles social and little eye contact with reference figures.
- Excessively attitude silent, indifferent or not very curious about the environment.
- Very intense crying that do not stop when the caregiver tries to comfort the baby.
- Little interest in the shared game or great difficulty in letting themselves be cradled.
- resistance to eating or problems gaining weight that are not explained solely by medical issues.
It's important to remember that not all of these signs necessarily imply an attachment disorder, but they are signs that make intervention advisable. early professional assessmentespecially if combined with a history of neglect or prolonged separations.
Manifestations in adolescence and adulthood
When attachment problems are not addressed in childhood, they can leave traces which are expressed in later stages:
- Difficulty maintaining stable relationshipswhether it's friendship or a romantic relationship.
- Intense fear of abandonment or rejectionwhich leads to dependent behaviors or, on the contrary, to avoiding any emotional closeness.
- Emotional insecurity and low self-esteemwith feelings of not being worthy of love or not deserving of care.
- Tendency to avoid emotional intimacyprotecting themselves through coldness, detachment, or extreme self-sufficiency.
Understanding this evolution helps many families become aware of the importance of nurture the bond from the early years and to seek help when warning signs begin to appear.
Causes of attachment disorder
Traditionally, attachment disorder has been associated with traumatic experiences in the early stages of lifeThese experiences can be very obvious, but also subtle and repeated over time.
- Abandonment or prolonged separation of the parents or primary caregivers.
- Situations of physical abuse, emotional abuse, or neglect, in which basic needs are not met.
- Lack of emotional stimulationThe child receives minimal physical care, but hardly any eye contact, smiles, caresses, or words of tenderness.
- Income in reception centers or institutions with high staff turnover, where it is difficult to form a stable bond.
- Frequent changes of caregivers or context, such as repeated transfers, changes of custody or foster care.
However, in practice, cases of Children with significant attachment problems but without major apparent traumaIn these children, factors such as very long working days Parental factors, prolonged stays in daycare at very early ages, or growing up with emotionally absent caregivers can produce alterations in the emotional bond.
It should be added that not all children exposed to these circumstances develop an attachment disorder. It is believed that biological, temperamental, and genetic factors can make some children more vulnerable than others. Similarly, the presence of at least one sensitive and constant adult It can act as a powerful protective factor even in adverse contexts.
Attachment disorder, TRA, and other related diagnoses
In the clinical setting, the following has been described: reactive attachment disorder (RAD) This can manifest as a pattern of inhibited and emotionally withdrawn behavior towards adult caregivers. The child rarely seeks or allows comfort when experiencing distress and also exhibits social and emotional disturbances such as irritability, sadness, or fear even when interactions with adults are not threatening.
It is important to keep in mind that many psychological problems can manifest in very diverse ways during childhood and adolescence. Therefore, the spectrum of possible symptoms is broad, making a thorough evaluation essential. flexible clinical gaze and a good differential diagnosis.
Some conditions that can be confused with attachment disorder or TRA are:
- Autism spectrum disorderwhich is also accompanied by social and communication difficulties, but where restricted interests and specific repetitive behaviors also appear.
- Post-traumatic stress disorder, in which anxiety, hypervigilance, or intrusive memories linked to a specific traumatic event may occur.
- Childhood depressionwhich may include social withdrawal and sadness, but does not always imply deep problems in receiving or seeking comfort.
Therefore, it is crucial to carry out a complete professional assessment, taking into account the life history, the family and school context, and the specific way in which the child relates to their attachment figures.
The behavior of children with attachment disorder
Children with this problem usually present with similar behavior patternThey constantly test their parents' love and bonds of connection through a subtle and continuous process of demands and manipulationsThey don't do it out of malice, but because they need to test again and again whether the love of adults is unconditional.
In the most serious cases, the child resorts to aggressive or violent behaviors against their parents, siblings, and people in their close circle, and even against themselves. They may break objects, insult, hit, or threaten, creating a climate of great family tension.
Other children present frequent somatizationsThey may feign illness, such as headaches or stomach aches, vomiting, or dizziness, consciously or unconsciously, to get their parents' attention or avoid situations that make them feel insecure. It is not uncommon for them to verbalize their suffering with phrases like "nobody loves me" or "I wish I were dead." In some cases, attachment disorder can lead to... depressive episode or in cases of significant anxiety.
Although these behaviors overwhelm families, it is key to understand that They are not a personal attack.but rather the expression of an emotional history marked by fear, mistrust, and the experience that others can fail or disappear at any moment.
Types of attachment disorder: inhibited and disinhibited
In clinical classification, two main forms of presentation of attachment disorder or bonding disorder are usually differentiated:
- Inhibited typeThe dominant disturbance in social relationships lies in the persistent inability to initiate and respond appropriately in most social relationships. The child appears withdrawn, inexpressive, avoids contact, and rarely seeks help or comfort even when needed.
- Uninhibited typeIn this case, the main alteration consists of a indiscriminate sociability or a lack of selectivity in choosing attachment figures. The child approaches strangers with excessive trust, seeks physical contact with anyone, leaves with people they don't know, and shows no clear preference for their primary caregivers.
Both forms have in common the difficulty in building a secure baseHowever, they manifest themselves in extreme behaviors in opposite directions. In any case, the diagnosis should always be made by a professional, assessing whether these behaviors are markedly inappropriate for the child's age and whether they began in the first years of life.
The importance of secure attachment
Talking about attachment, sometimes, causes confusion due to other more spiritualist disciplines where the idea is extolled that Clinging to something is a source of suffering because it prevents us from moving forward freely. Likewise, some theories about attachment in couples argue for avoiding this concept, because attachment in adult relationships can become a source of pain when it is dependent.
So we have to clarify concepts. In this case we are talking about parenting, education, the mother-child relationship, and here attachment is fundamental to avoid attachment disorder and a secure attachment It provides the child with the inner certainty that there is someone available, predictable, and caring to turn to when they are afraid, in pain, or need support.
John Bowlby He was an English psychoanalyst who, thanks to his years of experience in educational and medical institutions, coined what we know today as the Attachment theoryFrom this perspective, attachment is not a toxic dependency, but a biological and emotional need as essential as food or rest.
- Attachment is the richness and strength of an emotional bond that develops between the child and his parents (or primary caregivers) and that provides him with the security indispensable for a healthy development of personality.
- To develop a healthy, secure, and mature attachment With our children, it's important to be able to sense and calm their fears, to be accessible, to be a primary source of affection, without blackmail or mixed messages; it's about being a mother and a father 24 hours a day, even when we are not physically with them.
- Attachment is fostered from the moment of birth with the skin-to-skin contact of the mother and the baby (even if it is full of blood), which will later continue with the years of breastfeeding, with the hugs, with the sleepless nights consoling the crying and cradling.
Later the talks will come, the empathetic smiles and the millions of answers to that endless stream of questions that children always have for us. Attachment is, ultimately, the act of being emotionally present at every stage of our children's lives., an exceptional bond that we must nurture, attend to, and build every day.
How to support and treat attachment disorder
Every child is different, and therefore it will be necessary to carefully analyze their personal history, feelings, and risk factorsIn general, these children need much support and understanding, both in the family and in the school environment, in addition to a well-coordinated professional intervention.
Professional treatment
A specialized care plan may include:
- Individual psychological therapy, focused on emotional regulation, basic trust and strengthening self-esteem.
- Family Therapywhich helps improve communication, heal wounds, and build more secure relationships within the home.
- Educational and social interventions, coordinating teachers and caregivers to provide consistent and stable responses in all contexts.
- Attachment-based therapies, aimed at repairing and building more secure emotional bonds through games, shared activities and positive emotional experiences.
- In some cases, behavior management trainingto design systems of rules, rewards, and predictable consequences that reduce problematic behaviors.
When symptoms such as hyperactivity, lack of concentration, or aggression are present, teachers should apply measures similar to those recommended in cases of ADHD: individualized academic supportAdapted explanation of tasks, frequent positive reinforcement, and clear but respectful limits.
What can mothers and fathers do at home
While professional help is very important, the role of the home is irreplaceable. Some key guidelines are:
- Offer a stable and predictable environmentwith clear routines for sleep, meals, and daily activities.
- Attend to both the physical needs (food, rest, hygiene) such as emotional (listening, playing, caressing, words of affection).
- Establish firm but loving boundariesavoiding humiliating punishments or those that involve prolonged isolation.
- Explicitly reinforce the positive behaviors with praise, shared time, and small privileges.
- Also take care of the adult self-care, in order to maintain the necessary patience and calm in the face of the most challenging behaviors.
Being a mother or father is not an easy task, and recognizing children's needs is sometimes even more complicated. Even so, dedicating time and providing quality time, affection, and understanding It is a crucial investment to foster positive emotional development, enabling our children to thrive in a social and interactive world.
The bond or attachment between parents and children constitutes one of the most important pillars of our life developmentUnderstanding how it forms, what can damage it, and how to repair it gives us valuable tools to raise more secure, resilient children who are capable of building healthy relationships throughout their lives.